You Give Love A Bad Name
by Geeky BMWW Fan
Summary: A crazy story of mistaken love and mistaken identities. It's actually a rather stupid story, but if you like Nightwing with Harley Quinn, Shining Knight with Zatanna, Flash with Fire, and BMWW! then this story's for you!
1. You Give Love a Bad Name

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters.

As always, cheers and thanks to Kipling-Nori. Hope you are having fun on your trip. Here's something _trippy_ for you (other than chocolate covered HC)! Get it?

I was going to wait until Valentine's Day to post this, but I've had it for months, and just wanted to put it up. It's supposed to be **completely ridiculous**, so don't read this expecting your characters to be acting normally or seriously, at all. You were warned!

In case anyone is worried, this isn't a slash fiction. The whole Batman's crush on Wally is just a set up for a bunch of crazy scenarios. Hope you enjoy!

* * *

**You Give Love a Bad Name**

* * *

Chains of love got a hold on me  
When passions a prison, you cant break free 

-Bon Jovi's _You Give Love a Bad Name_

* * *

On the top of snow-capped Mount Olympus, Aphrodite, the goddess of love, popped a peeled grape into her mouth. As she enjoyed the breeze created by the moving palm fronds in the hands of her servants, she decided to check in on one of her dearest worshipers. 

Walking over to a pond in the middle of her throne room, Aphrodite bent down to touch the water and uttered, "Show me Diana." An image of Wonder Woman speaking with Batman appeared on the water below her.

As she watched her loveliest follower, Aphrodite noticed that Diana's companion wouldn't even turn around to look at her. His eyes were fixed on the screen in front of him. "Harumph. Too busy with work, I suppose." It was beyond her how any man could reject a woman who possessed her beauty. The goddess's lips pursed in anger at the man's broad back, but then they turned into a devious smile. Aphrodite had ways to overcome Batman's resistance.

She raised an elegant hand and pointed a finger at one of her attendants. "You, slave. Get Eros."

"Yes, your grace."

Within minutes a very handsome young man with large wings approached her throne. "How can I be of service, mother?"

"You know _not _to call me that." She gestured for him to come over to the small pool of water. "I want you to shoot the man dressed like a bat. But do it quickly, before anyone enters the room. I want him falling in love with Wonder Woman, and no one else."

"Are you sure this is a good idea?"

"Of course it is a good idea. This man's arrogance is unbelievable. To think that he would reject Diana. Fool!"

"As you wish." And with that, the winged god flew out of the palace and towards the Watchtower.

Satisfied that her work was done, Aphrodite retired to her lounge chair and invited the manservant who had summoned Eros to join her on her couch and feed her grapes.

* * *

Still looking at the monitors, Batman answered his future date. "I think I can make an exception for Valentine's Day." 

"So, is there anything in particular you want me to wear?"

As he gave his answer, he began to turn around. "By the end of the night it won't matter."

He had just finished his sentence and was happily anticipating a glance at a pink cheeked Diana when Flash rushed in to give Wonder Woman an iced mocha.

Diana tensed up; she knew Batman didn't like to be interrupted, least of all by Flash.

But it seemed like Batman was full of surprises. He was staring at Flash with his mouth wide open, like a fish.

Flash looked at Diana and quietly asked, "What did you say to him?"

She whispered back. 'Nothing that would make him look like that."

They didn't get to discuss it further as the rest of the Justice League entered the room.

Diana went to take her usual seat next to Batman, but he had moved to sit next to Flash.

As Superman had just called the meeting to order, she didn't get to think about the slight for very long. Besides, she was too busy mentally planning her outfit for the night. _Red lace or black satin. Oh, maybe the pink leather. It's always so difficult choosing the perfect headband._

Lost in creating her perfect ensemble, she forgot about Bruce's odd behavior. The rest of the League, however, did not.

It seemed as if the caped crusader could focus only on the willowy man dressed in scarlet. The most disturbing thing of all was the small smile that had settled on Batman's lips.

Superman decided to end this meeting as quickly as possible. "And now for the last item on our agenda. Any suggestions on how to put Killer Frost's crime spree on ice?"

After everyone finished groaning at the horrible pun, they all turned to look at Batman, as he had previous experience with Mr. Freeze.

The whole room went silent when the man in black said, "I'd like to hear what Wally has to say about this." All eyes turned on the unsuspecting speedster.

Flash looked up from his caffeinated confection, his eyes the size of saucers. _Quick, Wally. Think of something. Anything._

"Well, uh, we could bring a bunch, like around 10,000, of those outdoor heaters, you know, the ones they have outside the nice restaurants so you can eat outside in winter. And we can turn them on…At the same time, and then she'll melt."

Hawkgirl snorted. "You have got to b-..."

Batman gave her a batglare to shut her up, then turned two kinder and gentler lenses on Wally. "No one would anticipate that. Good job, Flash."

The other league members who were about to protest or make fun of Flash's plan shut their mouths in astonishment and resignation. Once Batman was behind an idea that was the end of discussion.

More than slightly confused, Superman dismissed the meeting, and everyone left the room except for Diana and Batman.

Diana sauntered towards her Valentine, but was slightly startled when Batman opened his mouth and barked, "Get back here, Wally."

Trying to speak as seductively as she knew how, Diana cooed, "Bruce, what time should I come over tonight?"

"Wonder Woman, you need to leave. I have important things to discuss with Flash."

"But I'm a senior member of the league. You should be able to do this with me here." She slinked over towards Bruce and put her arm around him. "Besides, we have some _things_ to discuss, too."

Flash walked through the doors just in time to hear the most beautiful woman in the world get turned down by a man who pretended to be a bat in his free time.

"I don't think that dating you is such a good idea after all."

Mortified by his rudeness, Diana exited the room as quickly as possible. _Something is not right here._

When Diana had left, Flash walked towards his fellow superhero. "That was harsh Bats, even for you."

"She'll thank me for it later. Besides, I am currently interested in pursuing other options."

"But it's Diana. What other option is better than her?"

"If you don't already know, I'm not going to tell you."

Flash rolled his eyes. "You and your secrets. Well, I know you wanted to talk about Killer Frost, but I have a date with Linda to get ready for."

Batman leaned over Flash, his teeth bared in a growl. "This is more important than Linda."

"You try dealing with her when she's been stood up. Besides, it's Valentine's Day. I doubt Killer Frost is going to do anything tonight. Find Diana and have some fun."

"Diana and I are over. I expect you back here at midnight. No excuses."

Flash turned to shuffle sadly out of the door.

"Don't worry Flash. It will be worth your while."

Flash turned around, a horrified look on his face. Then he sped away as quickly as possible, engrossed in his thoughts. _That's twice that Batman has been nice to me. Batman is never nice to me. Something is not right here._

As soon as Flash left, Bruce called Alfred.

The faithful servant answered the communication happily, "I have prepared nearly everything for you and Miss Diana."

"There's been a change of plans. You're going to need to send it up to the Watchtower."

"Is something wrong with Miss Diana, sir?"

"Nothing's wrong with Wonder Woman, but she's not the one I'm getting ready for."

Alfred tried to keep the disbelief and anger out of his voice. "Of course, sir." The older man ended the transmission, feelings of foreboding coming over him. _Something is not right here._

* * *

Back in the comfort of her room, Diana tried to piece together everything that had happened. Bruce was openly flirting with her when Flash rushed into the room, and then everything had changed. He had rejected her. Wonder Woman—the most beautiful woman in the world. No man rejected her. Ever. Not even Batman. There must be some explanation. 

Diana slowly looked up, as the realization and horror dawned on her. "Aphrodite."

She flew to Mount Olympus as quickly as she could, praying to all her goddesses that it wasn't too late.

* * *

Nervous about all that had happened, and still having an hour before his date, Wally needed the advice of a good friend. He picked up the phone and dialed the number of his most trusted advisor. 

"Grayson here."

"Hey, Dick."

"Wally, good to hear from you. How have you been?"

"I don't have much time to talk right now. Got a date later."

"Good for you. I knew one of these days some woman would take pity on you. Make sure you tell your sister I said, 'Hi.'"

"I don't have- Hey!"

"Why are you calling me?"

"Let me just ask you a question. What was it like growing up with Bruce?"

"Different. Why?"

"How different?"

"Oh, you know…we'd always be sparring or training or working together on something Batman related. Not the ideal childhood, but I think I turned out ok."

"Did you ever sleep with him in his bed?"

"What?! What the hell does that have to do with anything, Wally?"

"Me thinks the lady doth protest too much. Just answer the question."

"Yeah. Once. But it was my first night in the manor, and I just had a nightmare about my parents."

"And were there any poles in the Batcave?"

"Huh?"

"Did you and Batman slide down poles to enter the cave?"

"You've been there. The only entrance to the cave from the Manor is through that old grandfather clock."

"Did you design your Robin uniform?"

"No. Why are you asking me all these stupid questions?

Though they had been friends for years, Wally had never brought up the weird rumors about Batman being gay. But as he was in crisis, now was not the time to be secretive, even if it would have spared Nightwing's feelings.

"Dick, for years you walked around Gotham in green underwear with your thighs exposed all the time. You spent most of your nights with a man who has never had a serious girlfriend in his life. And you weren't even the least bit suspicious? Bruce wouldn't even give you a pair of tights during the winter when it was below zero outside!!!"

"Wally, you're disgusting."

"Well, it's just that Bruce has been acting strangely today, towards me. And there's always been those rumors about you and Bats…"

"Batman does not swing that way. You see him nearly every day. He has a little thing going on with Wonder Woman, who is, like, the most beautiful woman in the world. And even if he were gay, I doubt he would fall for you."

"Yeah, I know, but he canceled on her tonight, and he expects me back at the Watchtower to meet with him."

The line went silent for a few seconds. Then Wally heard Dick say in a contemplative voice, "Hmm. Bruce canceling a date to work on a case. That's never happened before. You're right; he must be gay."

"You really think so?!"

"No, you idiot!" Wally had to pull the phone away from his ear, Dick's voice was so loud.

Feeling slightly silly, Wally tried to prove his case. "But he complimented me on one of my ideas."

"Well, that's a little strange, but everyone is capable of moments of brilliance. It was bound to happen to you someday."

And with those words, Dick convinced Wally of how ridiculous he was being. "Yeah, you're right. It was a pretty good idea."

"See. Now go get ready for your date with Linda."

"Thanks, Dick. Bye."

"Later."

Not one to dwell on things out of his control, Flash got ready to meet his date.

* * *

Diana alighted in front of Aphrodite's palace. On her way in, she passed a number of male servants barely dressed, peacocks, doves, and many different woodland animals roaming the premises. 

She finally reached Aphrodite's inner sanctum. She was laying on one of her many couches, receiving a back rub from a particularly handsome male dressed in a toga.

Seeing Diana, Aphrodite turned to her servant. "We'll finish this later, Adonis. You may leave." The man silently nodded then walked out of the room.

"He's beautiful, isn't he Diana?"

Diana bowed her head in obeisance. "Yes, my lady."

The goddess, swathed in a diaphanous pink robe that swirled around her, approached her favorite. "But I take it, he isn't your type. I know you like the dark and gloomy one. Is he good looking under that mask of his?"

"Yes, my lady."

"Then what are you doing here? I thought you would be more pleasantly occupied."

"I find nothing more pleasurable than your company, Aphrodite. But I think there has been a mistake."

"You love this Batman, don't you?"

"Of course, but-

"Well, then, there is no mistake."

"I think Eros shot Batman with one of his arrows, and instead of seeing me first, he saw Flash. He's in love with Flash." Diana almost started crying, but managed to check her tears.

Aphrodite laughed, and the hall filled with a sound like the chorus of tinkling bells. But when she saw the glum look on Diana's face, she sobered up. "Oh that. Yes, it seems that Eros wasn't fast enough. But that cold man deserves to be humiliated for his constant denials of you, my dear. Don't you think?"

"We were actually discussing our date tonight when this occurred. Please, Aphrodite, have mercy. He is a good man." No longer able to control her strong emotions, Diana started to sob, occasionally throwing in a few words, made obscure by her tears.

Aphrodite moved closer to Diana and placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. "What's that, my love, I can't hear what you are saying?"

Diana's chin was hung in defeat on her chest as she admitted, "I don't want to be a virgin forever."

Wonder Woman was pulled into the goddess's comforting arms. "There, there dear. Everything will be fine. There is a way to reverse the effects, but if we use the lead-tipped arrows, Batman will hate Flash forever. I'm sorry, but that's the only cure."

Diana sniffled, but looked up hopefully. "It will be fine. No one will notice the difference."

Aphrodite handed her the lead-tipped arrow, with two little gold arrows as well.

Diana looked at her questioningly.

"For your date tonight."

"While I appreciate your kindness, I don't think Batman will."

"Have faith, daughter, he will. And the effects of the smaller arrows will only last 24 hours. And just for you…" Aphrodite touched Diana's forehead, and Diana's skin began to glow. Her hair, which had been messed up during her flight to Olympus, looked straight and sleek. Her skin smelled of roses. Diana had never looked so beautiful. Aphrodite winked at Diana. "Go get him."

Knowing better than to argue, Diana took all the arrows, and Aphrodite transported her to the Watchtower.

When Diana entered the conference room the sight before her almost turned her to stone.

On the table was a beautiful spread of candles, roses, orchids, and lilies. There was expensive wine and champagne, steak, salad, potatoes, various assortments of dessert and fresh fruit, and boxes of chocolate. Wally bound to the table and unmasked.

_Wally!_

Though the man in scarlet was trembling, he managed to plead, "Batman, don't do this."

"I always get what I want. And no freckle-faced ginger is going to stop me."

More urgently, Wally begged, "Bruce, you don't know what you're doing."

As Batman leaned in to show Wally he knew exactly what he was doing, Diana screamed, "Hera, no!" Then in one swift motion, she took the arrow and stabbed Bruce in the leg.

When Wally didn't feel any lip action, he slowly opened first his left eye and then the right. The look on Batman's face was one of pure disgust. He wasn't sure if Bruce was going to kill him or throw up.

Luckily for Wally, he did neither. Instead, Bruce stalked out of the room, taking all the alcohol with him.

"What just happened?"

Diana explained everything to Wally as she untied him.

Diana took hold of Flash by both of his arms, and looking straight into his eyes, she petitioned her distraught friend. "Flash, you cannot tell anyone about this. Not a soul. Bruce will kill you."

"Batman wouldn't do that. He's against killing people."

"I told you about the lead-tipped arrows; it might be out of our control."

Wally gulped. Too frightened to speak, he just nodded his head.

"I'm really sorry, Wally. Perhaps we should ask Zatanna to perform a mind-wipe on you."

"I th… I think that's a good idea."

"Ok, I'll make sure she is here tomorrow at 9:00." She peered worriedly into his eyes when he didn't answer.

She repeated her question, "Ok?"

"Yeah, sure, Diana, I'll be here."

And with that, he left in a scarlet blur.

Diana, meanwhile, raced to find Bruce.

Having visited nearly everywhere on the Watchtower and having called Alfred to find out that he had no idea where Bruce was, Diana entered the last place it had occurred to her to look.

As she walked into his quarters, Bruce walked out of the bathroom, a towel wrapped around his waist, his hair sparkling with water.

From her place against the door, Diana teasingly observed, "Couldn't wait to get your clothes off, I see."

Bruce didn't even look at her as he answered, "More like take a shower. I feel defiled."

She looked over his body, but tried to maintain a professional tone when she said, "You're red all over."

"Rubbed my skin raw to get the filth off."

"Bruce, you had no control over what happened. It was all Aphrodite's work."

Bruce inhaled deeply and brought a hand to his forehead. "I can't believe I almost did that."

"I have ways of making you forget."

Bruce finally looked at Diana. He had to shake his head in order to clear the cobwebs. _She is the most beautiful woman in the world. _Thankful that he managed to keep that thought to himself, he tried to stay on topic. "Hmm?"

"My lasso. It induces sleep."

Bruce had always dreamed about Diana and that lasso, but he wasn't going to let her know that. "I'm not getting into that lasso. Who knows what other powers it has that you haven't told me about."

He sat down on the bed. "I think I have a headache."

Diana waved the arrows in front of his face and in a sing song voice said, "I have something that will make it all better."

He eyed the arrows suspiciously. "That's what got this whole thing started. Thanks, but I'll pass."

"Bruce, there is no way that anyone is going to come into your room. Besides, Aphrodite says the effects last only 24 hours. And if we use them now, you could make it back to Gotham with plenty of time left for tomorrow's patrol."

"What about tonight?"

"Call Dick; let him work on Valentine's Day for once."

Bruce looked at the arrows she was holding in her hand. "What are those?"

"I think they're a concentrated aphrodisiac."

Bruce snorted. "I doubt we'll need those."

"So you'll do it?"

"I, uh…" For once the Dark Knight couldn't think of something to say. It didn't help matters that Diana was now wrapping her arms around him.

"A little extra help couldn't hurt, Bruce."

That brought Bruce back to his senses. He pulled away slightly from Diana, and the look of arrogance he gave her made her want to punch him. And then kiss him all better. "Diana, do you trust me?"

She warily said, "yes," before he took her hands in his. "I don't need some blue pill to make you happy. Or magical golden arrows for that matter."

"I'll believe it when I see it."

"If you want to find out…"

Diana finished his sentence for him "…what it feels like to be in the arms of someone with the gifts of Aphrodite, I suggest you take one of the arrows."

They had spoken and challenged one another too many times for either of them to back down now. Diana reached for the towel as he took the arrow and lasso in hand.

"On three."

"One."

"Two."

"Three."

* * *

As Aphrodite looked on the two lovers, she became even prouder of Diana, if that were possible. And then her admiration of her very own wonderful self grew and grew. "24 hours?" The goddess giggled. "They're lucky if they ever leave that room again. And the others will be lucky if they never do." 

All's fair in love and war. Right?

Right!

* * *

Nightwing rubbed his eyes together as he took in the time on the clock. _Stupid telephone. _He reached for the receiver. "This better be good, Bruce." 

In the background Dick heard a very high pitched giggle._ Something is not right here._

"Uh, Bruce?"

Still no answer, only more giggling.

"Is that Wonder Woman?"

"I need you to patrol Gotham tonight."

"Aww c'mon, Bruce. I have Bludhaven to look after, and it's Valentine's Day."

"Do you want me to tell Barbara about that time you…"

There were too many ways to finish that sentence, but no matter how it ended, Dick was certain he did not want Bruce to tell Barbara anything. "Fine. When will you be back?"

"Tomorrow morning about 1 o'clock."

"That good, huh?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Sure you don't. And I'm sure I don't have to tell you this, but have a good night, Bruce."

Click.

Deciding to avenge himself on Batman for his harsh treatment, Dick decided to sleep for another five minutes.

Two minutes later the phone rang again.

Dick angrily reached for the phone.

"Dammit, Bruce, I already said yes."

"Nah, man, it's Wally, and you will not believe what happened tonight!"

* * *

At nine o'clock the next morning, Flash zipped into the infirmary, expecting to see Diana and Zatanna. No one was there. 

He sped around the Watchtower, trying to find Wonder Woman: her quarters, the Monitor Womb, the Conference Room, the Cafeteria, the Sickbay. She could not be found.

There was only one place he hadn't checked, though he was scared out of his mind to actually go there. Taking his life in his own hands, he knocked on the door to Batman's quarters.

Listening at the door, he could hear movement inside, but no one answered. So he knocked again.

"I know someone is in there."

Still no answer.

"I'm coming in." He was just about to palm the door open, when Batman stuck his head out the door, his mask slightly off kilter. Wally tried looking past Bruce, but Batman kept moving to block Flash's line of sight.

Batman hadn't forgotten any of the events of the night before. And, of course, there were the lead-tipped arrows of hate to take into consideration.

"Why are you here, Flash?"

"Is Diana here?"

The lenses in his cowl narrowed as Bruce answered, "Why are you here, Flash?"

"Diana said that she would call Zatanna for me."

"Why would she do that?"

"Uh, no reason. No reason at all."

Overhearing the conversation and sensing that something unpleasant was about to happen, Diana wrapped herself in the sheet and walked toward the door. Bruce only had his underwear on, and was desperately trying to hide that fact from Wally by wrapping himself with his cape.

She came up behind Bruce, and whispered into his ear, "Get back in the bed, and let me take care of this."

Deciding that he'd rather deal with Diana than Wally, Bruce quickly obeyed.

Diana appeared at the door, and Wally took in her appearance. She had marks all over her neck, and her hair looked like she hadn't brushed it in over a week. And then there was the crazy smile that covered her face.

"Oh my…Diana."

"Sorry ,Wally. Something came up last night, and I wasn't able to get a hold of Zatanna."

"Well, can you hurry up? Those memories aren't going to erase themselves."

"Wally, can't you get her yourself? I'm kind of busy."

Flash could hear Bruce in the background. He was beginning to growl. "Hurry up, Diana."

Flash's jaw dropped. "I can't believe you slept with that. He sounds like a bear."

Diana just giggled. "You're right. He's an animal."

"Yuck. Too much information, Wondy."

"Diana!" Her Dark Knight beckoning her, Diana herself was becoming impatient for the Flash to speed off.

"Wally, I need to go. Good luck with Zatanna."

He was just about the answer, when the door shut in his face, though not fast enough to prevent him from hearing Batman say, "Now, show me why you're called Wonder Woman. Again." Flash shuddered as he ran away as fast as he could. The memories that needed to be erased were growing by the second. He had to get a hold of Zatanna.

And the only other person that knew Zatanna besides Batman, Wonder Woman, and B'wana Beast was Dick.

He'd know what to do.

* * *

**To Be Continued?**

* * *

The idea for this story sprouted from the wikipedia article on Batman. It had a picture of Bruce and Dick sharing the same bed in the section "Homosexual Interpretations." I wanted Dick and Wally to discuss that, so I had to come up with a scenario in which it would be brought up.

Let me know if you think there could be more. And if you have any ideas for crazy and kooky couples, drop a line, and I'll see if I can incorporate them.


	2. Whole Lotta Love

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters.

Another disclaimer: These characters really aren't in character at all. It's just a crazy story, and if you try to read it looking for seriousness, you will probably hate it.

Thanks KN! I hope Z is to your liking. Thanks for the advice and just everything. And I incorporated some of your jokes again. Thanks for the steal! GO LT!

* * *

**Chapter 2:**

Whole Lotta Love

* * *

You've been learnin', baby, I been learnin',  
All them good times, baby, baby, I've been yearnin', 

Wanna whole lotta love?

-Led Zeppelin

* * *

"Why can't any one call me when I am actually awake?" Dick grumbled as he rolled over in his bed to look at his alarm clock. "Ten in the morning. On a Saturday!" Picking up the receiver, he barked into the mouthpiece "This better be good." 

"Wow, someone sure is a crankypants. Did I interrupt your Saturday morning cartoons?"

"You again?"

"I need to get a hold of Zatanna."

"I thought Wonder Woman was going to take care of it."

"She's too busy taking care of Bats, _IF_ you know what I mean."

Unfortunately, Dick knew exactly what he meant. The idea of his surrogate father getting it on with Wonder Woman, who granted, was the most beautiful woman in the world, made Dick feel uncomfortable. "Too much information."

"That's what I said. You were right. Batman is definitely not gay. The two of them haven't left his room since last night."

"I wouldn't be surprised if this is the first and last time they are together. You know how he is." Dick lowered his voice and in his best Batman imitation gritted out, "There's only the mission."

"If by mission you mean Batman covering Diana with hickies, then I agree."

"That's not the mi-What?!"

"Yup. If Bats can leave that bed, he will be the new Superman."

Dick let out a condescending laugh. _As if Superman had anything on any member of the Batclan, especially Bruce. _"He's Batman. Of course, he's going to leave."

"No way. Can you imagine how tired-"

"_NO_! I _can't_ imagine anything, and I won't imagine anything. Keep your thoughts to yourself, you pervert!" Dick felt like covering his ears with his hands. Or permanently blinding himself by looking at the sun. Anything rather than think of his parent having sex. It was too weird.

But Wally wouldn't drop the subject. "I bet you will be flying solo tonight."

"If you shut up, I'll take that bet."

"What happens to the loser?"

In a burst of inspiration, Dick said, "Winner gets to design a costume that the loser must wear for a week." He was picturing Wally in some kind of pink tutu, which would clash with his neon orange hair. Maybe he'd put some wings on his shoes and mask. Or stars and hearts. Even a thong would do in a pinch. There were so many possibilities.

Wally had a few ideas of his own, though. "When I win, I promise to give you a suit that covers your thighs."

"I make you no promises. Batman's supposed to meet me at one in the morning."

"I'll visit you around that time to see who won."

In mock indignation, Dick wondered, "Don't you trust me?"

"This coming from the same guy who told everyone that I sleep with a teddybear."

"Point taken. How is Mr. Peepers, by the way?"

Ignoring the question, Wally focused on why he had called. "Now could you tell Zatanna I need her help?"

"I'll tell her to hurry over. And don't call me back. I'm going back to sleep."

"Talk with you later."

After hanging up, Dick quickly dialed Zatanna's number, listening to the rings until he heard…

"Hello?"

"Hey, Zatanna, it's Dick."

"Hey! How are you?"

"Good, but I need you to do a favor for Flash. He had some unpleasant experiences last night and wants to forget them."

"Bad Valentine's date?"

"You could say that."

Piqued, Zatanna pressed further, "What happened?!"

"If I tell you, you _cannot_ tell anyone."

"You take the fun out of everything."

"You must have me confused with Bruce. Anyway, Aphrodite made Bruce fall for Flash, but before things got up close and personal, Diana stabbed Bruce with some arrow that made him hate Flash."

"How is Bruce doing now?"

"If I had to guess, I'd say he is having the time of his life."

"After almost kissing Flash?"

"Let's just say a certain Amazon has been helping him forget all about that.."

"Oh. He's with Wonder Woman?"

"According to Flash, he can't tear himself away from her. They haven't left his quarters since last night."

"I wouldn't be surprised if Diana had to force Bruce to be with her by using one of Eros's arrows."

Dick tried not laughing at Zatanna's naivety. "Uh huh. I doubt Diana would need Aphrodite's help. She's like the most--"

"I know, I know. The most beautiful woman in the world."

"Am I detecting some jealousy?"

Zatanna forced herself to let out a light and airy chuckle. "Me? Jealous?" _YES!_ "Of course not. Why would I be jealous?"

"No reason. Anyway, can you go to the Watchtower? Flash is waiting."

"No problem. I'll see you later."

Once the phone was returned to its cradle, Zatanna said the correct words backwards, and appeared on the Watchtower floor where the living quarters were. She had something she needed to see before see wiped out any of Flash's memories.

As she walked closer and closer to Batman's quarters the noises from his room grew louder and louder. And there was no way Bruce could giggle like that.

Once at the door, she knocked. When no one answered, she knocked harder. "Batman, are you there? It's your favorite magician."

When the door opened this time, it revealed Diana cloaked in Batman's cape. Zatanna looked over Diana's shoulder, but only saw rumpled sheets. No Bruce.

"Hi, Zatanna! How are you?" Zatanna had never seen Diana so chipper or happy.

"What are you doing here?"

"Playing dress up?" Diana knew it was a ridiculous answer, but it was the only thing she could think of.

"Does Batman know you are wearing his outfit?"

"He's the one who suggested it."

Zatanna raised an amused eyebrow. "And is Batman wearing your outfit?"

"Not exactly." Did being wound up in her lasso count?

"Well, is he here? I'd like to speak to him." Zatanna tried to walk past Wonder Woman, but the Amazon Princess blocked her path.

"He's here, but he can't talk right now."

"Why not? Did you bind and gag him?"

Zatanna had said this jokingly, but when the warrior answered by grinning widely, the magician almost died of shock. "What would your mom say?"

"I imagine she would congratulate me for conquering so difficult a man. My mother was the lover of Ares. She would understand. Well, I need to get back to Batman. Is there anything you want me to say to him?"

"No. I just wanted to say, 'hi.'"

"I'll make sure he gets the message."

With that, the door practically slammed in Zatanna's face. Diana went back to Bruce and sat down on his lap. He was reclining on a chair out of sight from the doorway, clothed in his boxers, and free from all lasso-induced restraints. He was, after all, an expert escape artist.

"Zatanna says, 'hello.'" After she delivered the message, Diana gave Bruce one of her own. A few seconds after Wonder Woman stopped kissing him, Bruce was able to think coherently again.

"Why is she here? Wally mentioned something about it earlier, but I was too distracted with…other things to pursue it."

"You can't expect Wally to appreciate your advances in the same way I do. He's going to have her erase his memories of last night."

When Diana mentioned what Bruce had almost done last night, the smile he had on his face disappeared, his jaw set, and his arms tightened around Diana in anger.

"I hate him."

Diana ran her fingers across his forehead in an effort to calm him down. "Now, Bruce, that's the arrow talking, not you. You actually like Wally."

"I think I need to forget him again. What do you think?"

That surprised Diana. Batman didn't strike her as the type who would ask for her opinion or appreciate losing any of his memories. And she didn't like the idea that he might possibly be trying to forget what happened between them last night, and in the early hours of the morning, at the break of day, at breakfast time, and well, pretty much up until Zatanna had knocked on the door. "You want Zatanna to wipe your memories away too?"

"Actually, I was hoping you'd perform some more magic on me."

Diana laughed at that, then leaned in and whispered into his ear, "So you want me to use one of the arrows?"

"I think it's quite obvious that we don't need them. We'll just save them for later."

"So there is going to be a next time."

"Yes. In fact…" Bruce stood up and threw her on the bed.

"Aren't you tired? Or hungry? It's almost 11 in the morning."

"Are _you_ tired or hungry?" The smirk that accompanied his question suddenly made Diana feel very hungry, but she decided against telling him that.

"No, but we are going to have to leave this room sometime. And aren't you worried about what everyone is going to say? We haven't exactly been discreet."

"If anyone gives you a difficult time, just let me know."

"Oooh, is Batman developing a protective side?"

"They don't call me the Dark Knight for nothing. Now, where were we, Princess?"

* * *

Feeling slightly glum that everyone (even Batman!) seemed to have a significant other except herself, Zatanna slowly made her way about the Watchtower. She finally found Wally in the infirmary, testing his reflexes with a mallet. 

"So, Flash, I've been told you want some memories to go away."

"Yeah, maybe not the ones of Diana, but definitely the ones of Batman."

"What do you think he sees in her?"

"She's the most beautiful woman in the world."

_If I hear that one more time, I will turn her back into a pig. _"Flash, men know that there are more important things than how a woman looks."

Flash snorted. "Yeah…right."

When Zatanna shot him a look of ire, he wiped the smile off his face. "Uh, yeah, most guys are pigs, but not me. I like women for their personalities. And their brains. I don't care what they look like."

"Why is it so hard to find a good guy?"

"Maybe you're looking in the wrong places. I hear B'wana Beast has a crush on you. He seems like a nice guy."

"If you like animals and guys who impersonate Sylvester Stallone."

"So I guess Hawk, Dove, Batman, Hawkman, Orion, and Nightwing are No-s. Oh, and Wildcat is out on both counts." His brow furrowed in thought, and after careful consideration he said, "Well, based on your criteria, that eliminates everyone."

"How did you come to that conclusion?"

Speaking as if he were talking to a three-year old, Flash patiently explained, "Sylvester Stallone is a very talented and diverse actor with a varied body of work."

"Yes, between his portrayals of Rambo and Rocky Balboa, he has all the facets of the male personality covered."

Flash had stopped listening to her as soon as she had said the word "portrayals." As if hit with a bolt of lighting, he clapped his hands together and nearly shouted, "Booster Gold!"

"Ugh."

"Ooookay, Party Pooper. Creeper."

Zatanna's eyes nearly bugged out of her head.

"So no Creeper, I take it."

"No Creeper. EVER! Have you seen him?"

"What happened to 'there are more important things than how a person looks?'"

"Only ugly people say that."

Before he could point out that she had been the one to say that beauty wasn't everything, she waved her wand over Wally's head and said the magic words.

"Now try not to get in any more trouble, Flash." Without further ado, the two went their separate ways.

Unbeknownst to Zatanna, Eros had not left the Watchtower since yesterday. He had been having too much fun spying on people and thinking about who his next victims would be. Having overheard the conversation between Wally and Zatanna, Eros decided that a woman who wore fish-net stockings as part of her regular ensemble had no right to be so picky.

Following her down the hall, he watched as a man dressed in a loin cloth approached and started growling at her. The winged god laughed silently as he saw the look of disgust that spread over Zatanna's features. He pulled back his bow and shot just as Shining Knight rounded the corner, and, of course, Zatanna saw him first.

Seeing that he had made another mistake, Eros rolled his eyes and decided to leave the Watchtower. He had many arrows left in his quiver, and there were so many people who needed his help.

Meanwhile, B'wana Beast moved closer to Zatanna, taking her in his arms.

Zatanna tried looking at Sir Justin, but all she could see was the odd looking mask that covered the animal whisperer's face. Placing her hands on B'wana Beast's shoulders to create some distance between then, she remarked, "I am not interested in men who wear less clothing than me."

"We can fix that."

"How about you leave me alone, Tarzan." He still didn't let go.

Unable to stand by as the lady was being manhandled, Shining Knight stepped in.

"Unhand her, you scantily clad oaf." The point of his sword was brought under B'wana Beast's chin. Feeling the cold steel at his throat, he decided that maybe Zatanna wasn't worth it.

"OK. OK. I was just kidding with the little lady."

Sir Justin was about to retort something scathing when Zatanna jumped into his arms.

"Ooof."

"My hero." Zatanna leaned in and brought her lips up to the unsuspecting man's mouth. When she was finished thanking her rescuer, he murmured, "I should save fair maidens more often."

"You're so cute. And heroic." Then Zatanna kissed him again. Feeling positively wicked for taking advantage of Zatanna's moment of weakness, Sir Justin set her down gently and took two steps backward. "You do not know what you are doing, fair one."

"I know exactly what I'm doing." She moved to take him in her arms again, but he held up his shield, blocking her advances. "Do not tempt me. I feel strangely, as if I am under an enchanter's spell," uttered the confused knight.

"Oh, that was just from me kissing you. Nothing to worry about."

This time she silenced the man's objections with another kiss. When she drew away for air, he happily asked her, "What was that?"

"They call it a French kiss."

"No wonder I have never experienced that before. I am from England ."

For some reason the petite magician wanted to kiss him again, but Justin resisted. "I must warn you, lovely maiden, I have taken a vow of celibacy."

"When?!"

"I believe it was 563 in the year of our Lord."

"When is the vow over?"

"When I find a fair princess to take as my own."

"Take me!"

He seemed to mull it over before quickly dropping to one knee. Zatanna gazed at him in shock. "What are you doing?"

"The honorable thing. I have violated you, and I could not live with myself if I did not troth myself unto you. Will you marry me?"

"Does this mean you'll sleep with me?"

"Is this such talk for a lady?"

"Just answer the question."

Sir Justin began questioning what he was getting himself into, but as their honor was at stake, he forged on. Feeling slightly uncomfortable, though at the same time desiring the lady before him, he awkwardly answered, "After the wedding vows have been exchanged, I see no reason why we could not…consummate…"

As soon as he said that word, Zatanna grabbed his hand and ran with him to the teleporters. "Metropolis Courthouse." Then she turned to her companion and said, "Of course, I'll marry you, Shining Knight."

They appeared before the stately building and Zatanna ran up the stairs. When she realized Sir Justin wasn't following her, she turned around and called down to him, "Come on. We are getting married."

"This is not a church."

"You want a church wedding? Fine."

Luckily for her, the downtown courthouse was a block away from a chapel. As she led him through the door, he stopped. "You cannot enter a place of worship dressed in such clothes. It is highly indecent."

Zatanna rolled her eyes, but after thinking about it, decided that maybe she didn't want to get married in fishnets and a top hat. Nor did she want her future husband dressed in chain mail. Waving her wand around them both she said, "I tnaw na elytSnI gniddew." Suddenly, she was dressed in a lovely Vera Wang wedding gown, and her groom was wearing a smart-looking gray tuxedo.

"Perfect."

Shining Knight did not seem to think so. With his eyes practically popping out of their sockets, he began to back away, signing the cross, and whispering, "What devilry is this?"

Zatanna tried not to cry but was slightly hurt that he disliked their outfits. "I thought you would like our clothes. Do I look fat?"

"You are a sorceress?!"

Suddenly feeling a little nervous, Zatanna said, "Yes? Don't be so medieval, Shining Knight. This is the modern age, and I'm a modern girl. You're lucky I'm so head over heels in love with you, that I am willing to marry you."

Still, he refused to come near her. Fearful that she would lose her love, Zatanna begged, "I promise I will give up casting spells and magic and I'll dress appropriately. Please marry me."

"No."

Zatanna's head hung in sorrow. She heard Justin clear his throat, and she looked up at him.

He was blushing.

"I didn't mean it like that. The outfit you may keep." He stared down at his toes as he shyly admitted, "I was hoping you'd wear it tonight."

"Oh, Shining Knight. That's the sweetest thing any guy has ever said to me. Now let's get married."

Fortunately for them, one of the priests was available to perform the ceremony, though he would not marry them without giving them some pre-marital counseling first.

"So, what are your names?"

"Sir Justin Arthur."

"Zatanna Zatara."

The two looked at each other and simultaneously said, "Really?"

Confused and slightly alarmed, the priest asked, "You two don't know each other's names? Why do you even wish to be married?"

Shining Knight answered first, "I have put the fair maiden in a compromising position, and it is my duty to marry her."

"Is she pregnant?"

Zatanna quickly and a little loudly said, "God, no!" The priest's eyes widened at her use of the Lord's name in vain. Realizing her faux passé, she said, "OH! I'm so so so sorry, Father. I didn't mean to say that." Trying to save face in front of the holy man, Zatanna continued, "He wouldn't sleep with me until we were married."

"You have found a good man. It is always a pleasure to marry two virgins, as it happens so rarely these days."

Zatanna started laughing when he said that. Both men looked over at her, effectively silencing her mirth. She turned to her future husband and asked, "You waited?"

"I mentioned my vow of celibacy."

"But not even before that?"

"No. I had hoped to bestow all of myself and love on one woman alone—my wife."

"That is so beautiful, Justin."

The man crossed his arms across his chest and said a little bitterly, "I know."

"I promise I will make it up to you."

The priest loudly cleared his throat. "Moving on to the next question…"

* * *

It was not until eight in the evening that the priest felt the two were sufficiently prepared to make their vows. At eight thirty sharp, the heroes left the church as man and wife. 

As they stood on the steps of the church, Zatanna looked at Shining Knight with a large smile on her face, "Where to next, Justin?"

"Dinner, Mrs. Arthur." Even though Sir Justin did not care for public displays of affection, Zatanna convinced him to hold her hand as they walked into the restaurant.

They were approached by the manager of the establishment and told that they could dine free, as they were newlyweds. Zatanna made sure that her husband drank a lot of wine. After feasting like kings, they left.

Out on the street, Zatanna watched as a slightly buzzed Shining Knight brought his fingers to his lips and let out a very loud whistle. Thinking he was hailing a cab, she was astonished when, seemingly out of nowhere, a beautiful white horse swooped down from the heavens.

Zatanna let out a small sigh of happiness. Like all women, she loved horses, and the fact that this horse had wings made him even more special. The white horse trotted up to Sir Justin and nuzzled his snout in the man's hand.

Figuring that she had gained new privileges by marrying the knight, Zatanna asked, "Can I ride him?"

"Of course, my lovely wife." He took her hand in his and helped her sit on his trusted steed. Once she was situated, he sat down behind her. "This is Victory. Shall I tell him to take us to the Metrotower?"

"No. I think we should have Victory fly us through the night sky."

Even though he wanted to get her back to his room as soon as possible, Sir Justin was ever the gentleman. Besides, what were a few minutes in comparison to the 1500 years he had already waited?

"As you wish, my dear." And with that, Victory raised himself on his two back legs and let out a triumphant, "Neigh!" then jumped twice before flying into the night..

* * *

Diana rolled onto her side to look at the clock on his nightstand. "Bruce, it's almost midnight ." 

"And?"

"I just assumed you would want to go to patrol."

"And leave you?"

Diana rolled back over to look at the man next to her. In a state of wonderment, she reached over and placed her hand on his forehead. "Are you sick?"

"No. Why?"

"You aren't patrolling Gotham . For the second night in a row. Because of a woman."

"Not just any woman. The most beautiful woman in the world."

Diana opened her mouth to deny it, but who was she kidding.

"You are aware that the other heroes are going to say you are whipped?"

"And they would be correct."

Diana grinned at Bruce and said, "I love having power over you."

"That's not what I meant."

"Oh." Diana's eyes no longer made contact, as she was slightly embarrassed. "You can't tell anyone about that."

"I'm Batman. Do you really think I have a best friend forever who I tell all my secrets to?"

"Good to hear that. I didn't want to have to kill you."

Not entirely sure whether she was joking or not, Bruce looked over at Diana. She remained silent for a few seconds, fighting an internal battle. Bruce's eyes narrowed as he tried to figure out what was going inside her head. He didn't have to wait long.

"So is this serious?"

"What do you mean?" _Oh, no. She wants me to be her boyfriend._

"Was this just some Valentine's Day fling?"

_You are the world's greatest detective. Think of an answer!_ "Technically, it's almost February 16th."

"You're being evasive."

_She has the power to crush you with her bare hands. But she has many other powers that you like. A lot. Calm down, Bruce. _

He looked into her eyes and quietly said, "This can be serious."

Bruce was surprised that when he heard the words escape his mouth he hadn't panicked.

Diana leaned over him and gave him a soft kiss on the mouth. As she smiled down on his face, Bruce mentally chided himself for being such a coward. _Of course everything is going to be just fine. It's Diana. _

Wanting to celebrate their new relationship, Bruce caught her mouth passionately with his. As they made out, he realized that Diana was saying something to him in between their kisses, but he had difficulty focusing on what she was saying. He pushed her away slightly and stared up at her. _Yes, Bruce, you have made the best decision of your life. Just take it one small step at a time, and this will work. _Grinning at her he said, "What are you saying?"

"I'm glad you think we are serious, because I think I'm pregnant."

* * *

To Be Continued

* * *

HAHAHA! I hope you guys found this amusing. If you did, you could always drop me a line. Wink wink.

* * *

**boo**-Thanks for the review. Poor Wally indeed.

**Treesap**- you are absolutely correct. I doubt Bruce or Diana would ever act this way, and thankfully, they don't. And, interestingly enough, they did not use the arrows. They just "like" each other a lot.

* * *


	3. Crazy Little Thing Called Love

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters.

So this story is kind of weird. I think I have an idea for where it is going. It should be over after the next chapter. Hope you enjoy the insanity.

A special thanks to Kipling-Nori. Besides being the best beta ever, she has given me many ideas and lines for this chapter. And the idea for the couple on display in this chapter is Hepburn. Thanks again!

* * *

**Chapter Three:**

**Crazy Little Thing Called Love**

* * *

There goes my baby  
She knows how to Rock n' roll  
She drives me crazy  
She gives me hot and cold fever  
Then she leaves me in a cool, cool sweat 

-Queen

* * *

Zatanna had let Victory fly free. After circling Metropolis, the horse flew past the city limits, moving along at a relaxed pace. For a while, they traveled over the unlit countryside. It seemed like ages before they started approaching another city. And not just any city. Gotham City. They were welcomed by muted lights and many decorative gargoyles adorning old buildings. Hardly a city for romance, Shining Knight crankily thought. Having spent nearly two hours riding on the horse since they ascended in Metropolis, Sir Justin's patience was wearing a little thin. The alcohol's effects had disappeared long ago and he was cold. And there was the whole "being a virgin for a millennium and a half" thing to take into account. "Dearest, aren't you getting cold? Wouldn't you like to head back to our room?" 

"Not just yet. I'm having too much fun flying on Victory."

"I insist," he practically growled. Then calling on all his patience and self-discipline, he more tenderly added, "I would hate for you to catch a cold on our wedding night."

Zatanna was about to protest, but then it occurred to her that she could have more fun with her husband than his pet horse. "Alright, Shining Knight, take me to our private chambers."

Sir Justin tugged on Victory's hair, changing the mare's course.

* * *

Diana watched as her words sunk into Bruce's brain. First his jaw dropped open. Then he looked up at her, his eyes filled with horror, then down to her stomach. Then back to her face. He tried swallowing a few times, but only managed to cough. Diana ran to the bathroom and got him a glass of water and forced him to drink it. Finally, able to speak, Bruce nearly screamed, "What?! How is that even possible?" 

"For a detective, your reasoning skills aren't very good."

"That is not funny! You don't have some kind of birth control?"

"Yes. Abstinence."

Bruce brought his right hand up to the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes in frustration. Diana heard him perform some deep breathing exercises in an effort to regain control of himself. It didn't seem to be working. "Diana! That only works when you stay abstinent."

She just sat there in stunned silence. This was not the reception she had been anticipating for her happy news.

Bruce, meanwhile, continued to berate her. "I thought you had the wisdom of Athena!"

"There is no need for birth control on Themyscira, and I'm relatively new to Man's World."

"You've been here for at least three years. How many times are you going to use that excuse?" Grasping at straws, Bruce tried to reason with her. "Diana, it's only been one day. There is no way you could possibly know that we are going to have a baby." Then his eyes narrowed suspiciously at her. "Unless you've done this with someone else before. That child isn't mine, is it?"

Now angry beyond belief, Diana pushed him out of the bed with such force that he hit the wall. Without sparing him a glance, she gathered her uniform, dressed as quickly as possible, and stalked out of the room. Just as she was about to leave, she called out over her shoulder, "Once you've come to your senses, you can find me in my quarters."

Unfortunately, Bruce had been knocked unconscious by his collision with the wall, so he didn't hear a thing.

* * *

"Woah! What's going on?" Zatanna yelped as she grabbed onto Sir Justin's waist more tightly. For some reason, Victory had bucked in the air. The knight merely patted her hand. "Forgive the turbulence, dear. He's just being skittish, that's all." Leaning over, he whispered into Victory's ear, "Exquisite performance, loyal steed." But Victory had no intentions of furthering Shining Knight's romantic plans. The gigantic flying pony had a knack for sniffing out evil, and there was something fishy on one of the rooftops below. And having his extra keen horse-y senses, he was able to see the winged Greek god floating above Harley Quinn and The Joker. 

When Victory kept twisting and turning, Sir Justin said, "Steady, boy; that's enough." Shining Knight patted the horse's side, confused at what was spooking his furry friend. "What is it?"

Victory grunted and moved his head in the direction of the trio of troublemakers. From his high vantage point, he was able to see Nightwing waving at him and silently motioning for him to swoop down and attack the crazy criminals. Sir Justin felt a change in Victory's demeanor, and knew they were in for some attacking maneuvers. He managed to get out, "Hold on tight, my love," just as the stallion pitched forward, aiming himself straight at The Joker. Zatanna tried not to scream as they plunged down into the darkness.

Meanwhile, Nightwing went after the acrobatic jester in red and black. From his place on a much higher building next to the one Harley was on, Dick moved into a handstand on the ledge of the roof. Harley spotted this and began clapping her hands. Tugging on her Puddin's purple blazer she breathed out, "Ooooh…Mistah J. Look at that!"

He swatted her hand away. "Not now!" he yelled and lunged out of the way as Victory flew straight at him. He narrowly dodged being flattened by the beast, but he was unable to get away from the magician and knight. Sir Justin easily dismounted from the horse, but Zatanna fell off. Luckily, her husband caught her.

"Thanks."

"Anything for my damsel."

The Joker, who had been watching their romantic interchanges, made his presence known to the pair, as they had almost forgotten him. "It looks like the sad, lonely spinster finally found her knight. Too bad it's not the one she wanted, but beggars can't be choosers, can they?"

Zatanna looked at Justin's hurt expression and brought her hand up gently to his face. "Don't listen to him. He has no idea what he's talking about, and he's crazy. I love you so much."

The crusader's face softened and he wrapped her in his arms. "I love you, too." The newlyweds gazed intently into one another's eyes. Sir Justin leaned in to kiss his bride, but their moment was interrupted by a shrill voice.

"Oh, gag me!"

"I'll do you one better, Joker." Taking out her wand and flicking it, Zatanna chanted, "Tuhs pu ro kaeps ni giP nitaL."

The Joker merely laughed maniacally, and began to taunt them a second time. He stopped, surprised at the words that were coming out of his mouth. He cleared his throat and tried again. "upid-Stay oman-Way!" When this didn't work, he pointed an accusing finger at the couple and shouted, "Ey-hay! At-whay ave-hay ou-yay one-day?!" While the Joker was puzzling over his newfound disability, Justin said to Zatanna, "Most wonderfully done, my love. I know we discussed you giving up your incantations, but if it is in the service of good, I see no evil in it."

Zatanna tried not to roll her eyes and smiled sweetly at the man beside her. "What did you think I was using them for before?"

Sir Justin didn't have an answer.

Meanwhile, Harley was greatly disappointed at her love's petulant behavior towards her. And it wasn't just tonight. It had been awhile since he had made her feel special. Even his pet hyenas received better treatment than she did. Harley couldn't understand it. She was smarter and smelled much better than they did. But the frown on her face was quickly turned into a smile as she saw Nightwing perform a back double-somersault with one and a half twists from his handstand, landing gracefully on the roof beside her. He quickly knocked her down and was astride her, looking down at her as began tying her up.

Eros took that time to deftly notch two arrows into his bow, and this time he made sure not to screw things up. Satisfied with his work, he decided it was time to fly up to Mount Olympus and share his escapades in the mortal's realm with Psyche.

The besotted harlequin looked up at her new Puddin'. "You don't need to tie me up, unless you want to." Nightwing scowled at the villain beneath him, continuing to truss her. "So, you do want to." Her comments confused him, but he didn't stop. Once he was done, he hauled her to her feet.

Using the upward momentum, Harley was able to land a kiss on the unsuspecting man's lips. Startled and slightly disgusted, Nightwing pushed her away and used his sleeve to wipe his mouth. "What are you doing?"

"Thanking you for helping me see the light. From this day forward, I promise to be a good girl." As if trying to prove herself to him, she began to rub off her makeup and removed the hood of her uniform. Her blond hair cascaded softly around her shoulders, and Dick had to admit that she wasn't that bad looking. She was actually kind of pretty.

But he knew looks could be deceiving and promises from these people weren't worth a penny. "Changing your uniform doesn't mean anything."

Harley pouted and crossed her arms in front of her. "What do I have to do, Love Dove, to prove to you I've changed?"

"First, don't ever call me that again. Second, you will go to Arkham Asylum."

"Only if you take me."

"I don't think you have much choice in the matter, seeing as how you are tied up."

"That's where you're wrong, sweetie." She held up her arms and the binds fell to the ground. Then, executing a roundoff whipback double back handspring back layout full, Harley tumbled out of reach and out of sight. From her hiding place she called out to him, "I'll prove to you I'm a good girl. I love you."

"I don't love you." But by the time he had said that, Harley was out of hearing distance.

Dick groaned, and the noise only got louder when he heard a familiar chuckle behind him. "Looks like someone has a new girlfriend."

Dick surreptitiously looked at his watch. It was 1:15, and there was no Batman. _Crap!_Hopefully Wally wouldn't remember the bet.

"So what's this I hear about you and Harley Quinn becoming an item?"

"I have no clue what you are taking about."

"Sure you don't. But I saw it with my own two eyes. I'm thinking you little lovebirds should have matching uniforms. I bet you'd look good in red and black."

Dick almost started growling at him, but they were distracted by some of the strangest baby talk they had ever heard coming from the corner of the roof. In the hullabaloo, Nightwing had completely forgotten The Joker. He turned around to see Zatanna and Shining Knight struggling to muffle their laughter at the criminal. It didn't take long to discover the source of their amusement.

The Joker held in his hand a soft and furry rat. He was stroking its black fur, as the beady red-eyed creature was sniffing his captor's face. "ou-Yay ell-smay ike-lay ewer-say ater-way, and-way I-way ink-thay it's-way exy-say."

Wally burst into high pitched giggles, but Dick just shuddered. However, he knew what was going on here. Eros was having more fun at their expense. It was time to go see Bruce. Hopefully, he wouldn't be too busy.

* * *

Unable to contact Batman, Dick decided to go up to the Watchtower, which according to Alfred was his last known location. Feeling extremely awkward, he knocked on his father's door. 

There was no answer, but he heard someone groaning inside. He knocked on the door harder to drown out the noises. But he couldn't help noticing that the person who was making those sounds was in great pain. Praying that he wouldn't regret it, he punched in the code to Batman's room.

The man he was looking for was lying facedown on the ground. Thankfully, Dick noted, Batman was wearing underwear.

He kneeled besides his father and flipped him over. Tapping him lightly on the face, he tried to wake him up. When that didn't work, he went to the bathroom and got a cup of very cold water and dumped it on Bruce. That did the trick. Two intense blue eyes opened, blinked twice, and then narrowed. "What are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same question."

Bruce brought his hand to his face and rubbed his aching head. Then it dawned on him why he was on the floor. Jumping up, he began to run for the exit.

"Uh, Batman, aren't you going to put some clothes on?"

It took him a few minutes to locate all the pieces to his uniform, and while he did that, Nightwing filled him in on what had happened at Gotham.

Having just put on his cowl, completing his dark ensemble, Batman coldly said, "I got bigger problems to deal with than The Joker and Harley Quinn falling in love with rats."

"No, Harley is in love with me." Dick realized too late that Bruce was baiting him. Continuing on, he said, "Don't you see how all these things are connected? You and Diana, Joker and the rat, me and Harley. Maybe even Zatanna and Shining Knight."

"Eros didn't shoot me to make me fall in love with Diana."

"You're in love with her?"

Bruce didn't answer him, but stalked away, in search of his baby's mommy.

He marched straight to her room, ignoring the snickers and glances thrown his way. Those he would deal with later. Once he reached her door, he quietly knocked on it. When she didn't answer, he leaned his head against it, hoping that he could hear what was going on inside, so when the door opened, he fell into the very woman he had been looking for. She didn't look very happy.

He opened his mouth to speak, but she hauled him into the room and threw him on her bed, knocking the wind out him. He scrambled to sit up and watched as Wonder Woman paced back and forth across the room. "How could you possibly think that I've been with another man? I thought that you had realized that you could trust me. I thought you said this could be serious. My mother was right. Men are idiots. And most especially you!" She stopped pacing and stared straight at him. "I can't believe that I actually wanted to marry you and have your children."

Bruce was nearly speechless. "You want to marry me?"

"Not anymore! You were just using me, and now that I've inconvenienced you by getting pregnant, your true feelings are showing."

He got off the bed and walked over to the irate Wonder Woman. They stared one another down until, out of nowhere, Bruce cracked a smile and brought his hand to her face. "You want to marry me?"

But Diana would have none of it. Brushing him aside, she commanded, "Stop groveling and get out."

She walked over to the door and opened it. Pointing to the hall, she stood there, waiting expectantly. She was so frustrated with him that blood was roaring through her ears. But she was still able to hear the dejected man whisper, "I love you." No one was more surprised by those words than Bruce himself. He nearly started choking again.

Inside, Diana's heart melted, but she knew better than to trust a man. They'd say almost anything to get a woman in bed, or so she had been told. She was regretting that she hadn't listened to that advice earlier. "I don't believe you."

Bruce could tell that she was lying, so his confidence and stubbornness were beginning to return. "I won't say it again."

Diana closed the door and marched over to him. Standing toe to toe with him, she snidely said, "If you can't openly admit your feelings, what makes you think you are man enough to be in a relationship with me?" She punctuated her question with a poke of her finger to his chest.

He grabbed the offending hand and brought it to his lips. "I think I've proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am more than man enough to handle you."

Diana snorted. "Doubtful. Say it again."

He glared at her, but when he saw that she wouldn't bend he admitted in a rush, "Ilovu."

"What's that, Bruce?"

"I said, 'Ilovu."

"I'm sorry." Her tone showed that she was anything but. "I can't hear you."

Irritated beyond belief he yelled at her, "I love you, Diana!"

Unaccustomed to and unappreciative of being yelled at, Diana answered back in challenge, "FINE! I love you too!"

He grabbed her shoulders roughly, and Diana closed her eyes, thinking he was going to start kissing her. Waiting with baited breath, she felt him draw her closer, and then suddenly, he let her go. Diana slowly opened her eyes, scared that he might be leaving. But the Dark Knight wasn't gone; he was kneeling before her.

"Marry me?"

* * *

After they had dropped The Joker and his rat at Arkham, Shining Knight and Zatanna stood outside the building. Digging his toe into the ground, Sir Justin tried to come up with something to say. Seeing how uncomfortable he was, and knowing his excessive modesty, Zatanna tried to make things easier for him. She grabbed his hand, waved her wand, and said, ""s'tI emit ot kaerb taht wov fo ycabilec." 

They reappeared in Sir Justin's quarters. He was laid out on the bed, but she was no where in sight. He heard his bathroom door creak open and turned two eager eyes in the direction where the sound had come from. His mouth fell to the ground as he watched one fish-net stocking covered leg complete with black stiletto slowly make its way out into the room.

"Truly, my love, you have read my mind. Now where's the rest of you?"

"Actually, I was thinking you'd come and rescue me. There's this enormous dragon and-… " Frightened for the safety of his wife, the heroic knight jumped out of the bed so energetically, he fell to the ground. Hearing the clattering, Zatanna peeped her head out of the bathroom and looked at her mate, sprawled out over the floor. Running over to him, she knelt down beside him as he sat up. "Are you hurt?"

"I'll be fine. But what about you? Where is the dragon?"

"There is no dragon."

"So you're alright, my dear?"

"Perfect. Now where were we?"

"I was just about to rescue you from an imaginary dragon."

"Right. Proceed."

"I don't understand what you want me to do. There is no dragon, my flower."

"What did you normally do with damsels in distress after you rescued them?"

"I would return them to their kingdom, and then Victory and I would go on to the next mission, my lady."

Obviously, the arts of role playing and calling her by her first name were lost on her medieval minded husband. "You've never wanted to do anything more than that?"

"Why would I? I killed the beasts, and delivered the princesses as promised. After that the job was finished."

"Forget it. Just get in the bed."

And then it _finally_ dawned on him.

"Stop, vile temptress!"

"Justin, I thought we'd already discussed my spell casting."

She tried to walk around him, but he kept standing in her way. "You shall not pass." Seeing the glint in his eyes, Zatanna smiled back seductively. "Is that so? I'd like to see you stop me."

Zatanna let out a tiny shriek as he scooped her into his arms. "Time to lock you in the dungeon, my dear."

He carried her off to his castle of love, and they began their happily ever after.

By the next morning Sir Justin relinquished the title of World's Oldest Virgin. It was the most magical night of Zatanna's life, and she didn't even have to cast any spells.

* * *

Having been deserted by his lovesick father, Dick wandered around the Watchtower in search of someone to talk to. Unfortunately, he ran into the last person he wanted to meet. 

"So, Nightwing, I have your uniform all ready."

"How did you get it done so quickly?"

"Dude, I'm the FLASH! What part of the speedforce do you not understand?"

Dick was still suspicious. "How did you get my measurements?"

"You'd be surprised what's kept in your personnel files. In fact, when were you going to tell me that you havea heart shaped mole on your-…"

"Hey! That's confidential information."

"Not if you're a founding member of the Justice League."

"Don't let the power go to your head. I'm sure Batman will love to hear that you've been looking at top secret information for your own personal gain."

"Now that, Dick, is why I am a founding member and you're not. As a mature adult, I solve my own problems. I don't go running to daddy like a snitch. Now here's your uniform. Put it on."

Vowing to exact revenge later, Dick walked into the bathroom, with Wally following close on his heels. Hiding in one of the stalls, Dick pulled on his spandex nightmare. Wally had been true to his word. His thighs were completely covered in red and black stretchy material.

Leaving the stall, Dick stared at himself in the mirror.

He was just about to speak when he heard a toilet flush. His eyes filled with horror, he turned around to see Green Lantern exit the stall.

The stoic ex-marine did a quick double take and then burst into laughter. He kept opening his mouth to speak, but no words would come out.

Dick hung his jester cap covered head in shame, as GL wiped the tears away from his eyes. "Well, what do we have here?"

Wally replied, "I bet him that Bats wouldn't leave Wondy, and he lost."

John condescendingly said, "Of course he lost. Your dad's had a thing for Diana since the moment he saw her. I'm surprised this didn't happen sooner."

Dick refrained from plugging his ears with his fingers, but he still yelled, "Can we_please_ stop talking about Batman sleeping with Wonder Woman?!"

"Stop being so squeamish. Even the Batman has needs."

"Wally, I swear if you keep talking I will kill you."

"Well, I'll leave you two lovebirds alone." As Green Lantern left the room, they heard him mutter under his breath, "Shayera is never going to believe this."

"Man, there is no way I am going to wear this. I look like a male version of Harley Quinn."

"That was the point, Love Dove. I'm sure your girlfriend will love it."

"This is ridiculous. My face is completely exposed."

"Oh, I forgot." Wally zoomed away and back in less than a second. "Here's the grease paint."

"No. I'm wearing my mask."

"Fine. Whatever. You know, Harley Quinn isn't so bad looking."

"She's also insane."

"She'd have to be to fall for a guy like you."

"Ha. Ha. Ha. Did you know she used to be a psychiatrist until she fell for the Joker?"

"You guys could play doctor together."

Ignoring Wally's innuendo, Dick responded with, "I said 'used to be a psychiatrist.' Now she's just a loon."

"If she changed for the Joker, she could change for you. You guys could be my one true pairing, after Siegfried and Roy, of course."

"Stop being an idiot. She is probably going to start following me around and spying on me. And now that you have me dressed up like her, she's going to think I like her."

"I don't see what the problem is. She's hot. Do you think she could set me up with Poison Ivy? We both have red hair, you know?"

"What happened to Linda?"

"There is enough Flash to go around for all the ladies, and who am I to deny them the pleasure of dating me?"

"I'm leaving."

As Dick walked away, Wally called after him. "Don't forget to ask her if Poison Ivy is single!"

* * *

Back in Gotham , Nightwing went to his usual stake-out spot when things were quiet. Having sat there for a while, he got up to leave. As he walked away, he began to hear someone following him, but when he turned around, he saw no one. 

After the third time this happened, he called out in frustration, "Harley, are you there?"

"Yes, Love D-, I mean, Nightwing. I'm here." This time when he turned around he was met with a woman wearing a black pencil skirt paired with a long-sleeved oxford shirt, which was tucked in and secured with a belt at her waist. Her blond hair was pulled back into tight chignon and glasses covered her face.

Dick recognized that her voice had also lost its grating quality, as she spoke to him further in a calm, low voice. "I was hoping I could speak with you."

Intrigued by the transformation, Dick wanted to see what she would have to say. "Go ahead."

He watched as her face cracked into a large smile. He heard her begin to shout "Yippee!" but she struggled against the outburst and waved to the ledge of the roof they were on. "Please, sit down."

Thinking that she would push him off, he remained standing. "You first. I insist."

"What a gentleman. Mistah J, excuse me, the Joker, never treated me nicely. It was always, 'Harley, fetch my slippers, Harley, start my bubble bath, Harley, order my make-up from QVC. Blah blah blah.' It's nice to finally meet a guy who cares about my feelings."

Keeping a safe distance, he sat down next to her. "Uh…right. What do you want?"

She quickly scooted over to him and placed a hand boldly on his knee. "You!"

Staring at the offending limb, Dick felt a little badly for the woman, but he forced himself to remember that she found the Joker attractive and that she was under the influence of Eros's arrows. He peeled her hand off his leg and cleared his throat. "Harley, I'm sorry, but I think you have the wrong idea."

"What do you mean I have the wrong idea?! You're wearing my uniform. If that's not love, I don't know what is."

"My uniform looks like this because I lost a bet. A week from now and I will be wearing my old one."

"Are you playing a joke on me, because if you are, I don't think it's funny." Her lower lip protruded out and began to tremble. And then Dick felt even worse because she started sniffling. She pulled out a handkerchief from thin air and delicately dabbed at her eyes. And then she blew her nose so hard, she sounded like a honking goose.

Dick laid a compassionate hand on her shoulder and quietly said, "The only reason I am here now is because I need to take you in. You need help, Harley."

"My name is Harlene!"

"Ok, Harlene. Things would never work out for us. We come from different sides of the law…"

"I told you I'm trying to be a good girl. I promise I'll change, Nightwing. Look! I even dressed differently. Don't you think I look pretty?"

"You're beautiful, but tha-Ooof!" 'Harlene' had jumped into his lap and had wrapped her arms around his neck.

"You think I'm beautiful?! Mist-…The Joker never said that to me."

Dick removed her arms and placed her hands in her lap, holding them there, so she wouldn't keep touching him. "Well, the Joker is a jerk. You could do so much better than him. You're smart, gorgeous…um, quirky." Dick had run out of complimentary adjectives, but the former bad girl didn't seem to mind. She had shoved her face close to his, with her eyes tightly shut and her mouth puckered up. When he placed his fingers on her lips, she opened her eyes and looked at him in confusion.

"Don't you want to kiss me?"

"Harlene, I don't think this will work out. What would the Joker say?"

"I don't care about the Joker. I want to be with you."

Desperate to distract her, Dick fished for excuses. "I think you're just using me to make him feel jealous."

"Honest, I'm not. I love you!"

He knew reasoning with her was pointless, but he felt sorry for her, and so he continued their conversation. "Why?"

"You're nice to me."

"There are lots of nice guys out there."

"But they aren't as cute as you are."

"Harlene, you have never seen my face."

"Well, I can see your jaw and your nose, and your pretty blue eyes. I like them."

"You can't see my eyes through my mask."

"Oh, well, I am imagining what color your eyes are. Am I right?"

"I won't tell you that."

"Party pooper. Do you want to know one of my secrets?"

"I don't know. Do I?"

"Yup! I made a list of all the reasons why we would make the perfect couple." Out of nowhere, she pulled out a piece of paper that had been wound like a scroll. Unfurling it, Dick saw that the list was over a foot long. Shoving it into his face, she said, "Here. Read it out loud."

"Har…"

"…READ IT!"

"I don't appreciate you bossing me around."

"See." She pointed to the list. "That's reason number sixteen. 'You will tell me when I'm being bad.'"

Nightwing looked over the list, and felt Harlene nudge him in the ribs. "Out loud."

Dick exhaled angrily out of his nose. "Fine. 'Harlene Quinzel's reasons for loving Nightwing. How do I love thee, let me count the ways. Way 1. He knows gymnastics, so we can tumble together. Way 2. He doesn't wear make-up or purple leisure suits. Way 3. He doesn't have any pet hyenas. Way 4. He can tell the mean Batman to stop scaring me. Way 5. He's a good kisser.'" Here Dick paused and looked at her skeptically. "How would you know?"

Harlene Quinzel, Ph. D. shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know, but I plan on finding out."

Dick quickly scanned over the other seventy eight reasons, before rolling the scroll back up. "That's nice, Harlene, but…"

"No, buts! We're perfect together."

He began to stand up, but she continued clinging to him. "I need to take you in."

"No! I don't want to!"

"Harlene, if you really loved me, you would trust that I am doing what's best for you. I can't be with you while you are working out your issues."

The teary eyed blonde sniffled some more and said, "Ok, Nightwing. I trust you." She closed her eyes and threw her hands out before her dramatically. "Take me in."

He gently tied her hands together and said, "Now that's a good girl."

"Really?"

"Really. Now let's take you in."

"Am I ever going to see you again?"

"I can't make any promises."

"Well, can I at least get a kiss good-bye?"

Dick knew he shouldn't, but Wally was right. She was hot, and he felt sorry for her. Bruce would kill him if he found out, but Dick doubted he would, since he was too preoccupied with having fun with Diana.

"Ok…"

Harlene brought her pinioned hands up and over his neck, so that Nightwing's head was between her arms. Then she closed her eyes, raised her chin, and puckered up her lips. Dick tried very hard not to laugh as he leaned in. Just as he was about to make contact, her eyes snapped open and she shouted, "Wait!"

Startled, Dick asked her, "What is it now?!"

"I want you to take my glasses off. And I want my hair down. I look best that way."

"Harlene, you look fine."

"This might be my last kiss forever, Nightwing, because I won't ever love anybody but you ever again. I want it to be the best kiss of my life."

After letting out an impatient sigh, Dick did as she requested. He held her glasses, as she shook out her hair. "Ok, I'm ready now." Resuming her pose, she waited expectantly for her true love's lips.

He had intended for it to be a brief peck, but, clearly, she had other ideas. She held him to her, and Dick's eyes widened in alarm. Not because he was scared, but because he actually liked it. Her pre-kiss face might have looked ridiculous, but her technique was anything but. He slowly closed his eyes, and gave into the sensations that he was feeling. They both heard him crush his glasses in his palm, but they didn't stop. Dropping the spectacles, he brought his hands to her back and held her.

Eventually they broke apart and Dick tried to overcome his disorientation. He really thought he might fall over. He looked up at her, and uttered the first word that came to his mind. "Wow."

Harlene smiled up at him. "Now aren't you wishing that you hadn't tied me up?"

Shaking his head clear, Dick extricated himself from her arms. "It's really time to go."

Her smile turned into a frown and her shoulders slumped, but she didn't object. "Ok." It was one of the saddest sounds Dick had heard, but it didn't change his resolve.

"Now I've contacted the Bludhaven police, and they are going to take you to Arkham. Can I trust you to stay here until they pick you up?"

She sniffled some more and miserably wailed, "Yes!"

He began to walk away, and he heard her quietly say, "Goodbye, Nightwing."

Overcome by temporary insanity, or so he told himself, Dick strode back over to her and pulled her to him. Seeing the tears spilling out of her sad eyes, he dried her face, and then he kissed her soundly. Seconds turned to minutes, and when they were finished, he said, "If I hear you are being good, I promise to visit."

"I will be the best there ever was, just you wait!"

"I have to go now. They'll be here any minute. Promise you'll stay here."

She nodded her head silently, as he walked away. He didn't go very far. As soon as he was in a secure location, he changed into his uniform and waited for the other officers to show up. Once they did, he joined them as they apprehended Harleen Quinzel.

One of the officers, named Jake, started making fun of her and calling her all sorts of bad names. Jake moved in towards her to place her in handcuffs. "You're a sweet little thing, aren't you?"

"Wouldn't you like to know, you fat pig!" And then she stuck her tongue out at him.

"Why I oughtta!" The guy looked like he was about to hit her when Dick stepped in.

"Jake, let me handle this."

"Fine." The rude man stepped back and joined the other cop who was there. Dick walked towards the former psychiatrist and his current love interest.

"Miss, would you please come over here?"

She didn't answer him, but she did walk over to him.

As he cuffed her, she kept letting out loud sighs.

"Is something wrong, Miss?"

"I can't speak about it. It hurts too much."

"Don't you think you're being a bit overdramatic?"

"No!" And then she burst into tears.

Dick felt torn. Not knowing what to do, he tried patting her on her arm. "It's going to be alright, Miss."

"No, it's not. I'm never going to see Nightwing again."

Dick didn't have anything to say that, so he quietly led her over to his squad car. "Watch your head," he said as she sat down in the backseat.

During the drive to Arkham, Harleen sniffled and occasionally released tiny sobs.

When they finally arrived, Dick escorted her to the front door. As they waited to be let in, he began to remove her handcuffs. "You won't be needing these here." As he took them off, he gave her hand a reassuring squeeze. Confused, Harleen stopped crying.

"Thank you for being nice to me, officer."

"No problem. You seem like a nice lady."

"Really?!"

Dick didn't get a chance to answer, because the door opened.

An older lady with a kind face smiled when she saw who was at the door. "Welcome back, Miss Quinzel. How nice of you to visit again."

"Well, don't get too used to me. I'm a good girl now, and I'm going to be out of here soon."

"Of course, dear."

Dick watched as the door shut behind the weirdest crush he had ever had and shook his head in bewilderment. _What was I thinking?_

* * *

**To Be Continued**

* * *

** anon- **Thanks for the review. I'm glad you found it funny. Hopefully this chapter didn't push the bounds of reality too far. **: D**

**gigi-girl- **I know you've been waiting for this one. Thanks for your reviews. I hope you liked the last couple as much as Shining Knight and Zatanna. **  
**


	4. Tell Me Why Can't This Be Love?

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

For my ultimate-beta KN...Unlimited pictures of C.Ro. and picture messages that actually work. Gorram verizon. And while I'm at it, how about a virtual snickers bar. Thanks for the beta and for the ideas for upcoming craziness. Jerry Springer indeed!

In addition to thanks for KN, I also have to give shout-outs to Hepburn and Miguel. Hepburn for giving me the idea for Harley and Dick and what they should do in her holding cell. The ideas we talked about will be showing up prominently in the next chapter. In appreciation, I give you my blessing to pursue Rafa B. May you find everlasting happiness with him. He is such a hottie! LOL!

As for Miguel...he is the reason I am bringing Flash together with a certain special someone. His ideas, too, will be making a bigger appearance in the next chapter. In thanks, I hope you get to date a most beautiful South American lady. Will Adriana Lima do? ** :D**

I'd also like to say hi to gigi-girl! I hope you like this chapter too.

**Heads Up: I changed the ending of the last chapter to fit this chapter better, so if you are interested, you can check it out. **

This has got to be one of the most ridiculous stories I have ever written, and I promise, it's only going to get worse. I hope you guys enjoy this spiral into insanity. Character assassinations abound. **:D**

* * *

**Chapter Four: **

**Tell Me Why Can't This Be Love**

* * *

It's got what it takes, So tell me why can't this be love?  
Straight from my heart, Oh, tell me why can't this be love? 

-Van Halen

* * *

Diana blinked at the kneeling man before her, her mouth gaping wide open. When she did this for a minute, Bruce stood to his feet. 

"I think you should say 'yes.'"

Diana walked over to her bed and sat down. She crossed her right leg over the other and watched as Bruce followed the movement with his eyes. She knew she was going to say yes, but she wanted to have some fun first. "I am an Amazon, owned by no man. Why should I marry you?"

Bruce wasn't expecting this, especially since she had been the one to tell him that she wanted to get married first.

"You're having my baby."

"I thought we didn't know that it was yours."

"I know it's mine."

"And how would you know that?"

"Because you're mine." He pushed her back onto the bed, removed his cowl, and began applying kisses to the face of his baby's mommy.

"I never said that."

"You don't have to. Your actions give you away."

"And what are your actions saying?"

"That I'm a strong, dominant male, and that I always get what I want."

Diana smiled up at him before pulling his face to hers in a bruising kiss. She waited till he thought he was going to get lucky again before she stopped, pushing him away from her. "You know, Bruce, I think your actions could be interpreted in a completely different way."

"Yeah, uh huh, sure. Can we talk about this later?" He continued kissing her neck, while Diana kept talking. "In fact, I think they are saying that you can't get enough of me. You just don't want me. You _need_ me."

Bruce's ardor was taken down a peg or two, but he wasn't giving up just yet. "Right. And you need me too. That's what love's all about. Now can we stop talking?"

"You think this is love? All I see from you is lust."

"What does it matter? I'm marrying you, aren't I?"

"Well, with love it's a choice; with lust it's just you being overcome with your desires. I thought you were stronger than that."

Bruce rolled over on the bed and laid his head back on a pillow in frustration. Clearly, this was going to be more difficult than he thought. He clenched his fists at his sides as he gritted out through bared teeth, "What do I need to do to prove my… love for you."

"We don't sleep with each other again until we are married."

"You have got to be kidding me." He looked at her face and saw that she wasn't.

Folding his arms across his chest, then childishly flipping to his side so that his back was to her, he mumbled out. "Fine. I bet I can hold out longer than you anyway."

Behind him Diana smiled as she began trailing her hand up and down his leg. Bruce was about to growl at her to stop when she started planting light pecks on his jaw. Whatever was left of his anger melted away when she crawled on top of him and began kissing him.

"Now tell me why I should marry you, Bruce."

"Because I'm handsome."

"Hmmm…yes, you are."

"I'm rich."

"Very rich."

"Intelligent."

"Smartest man…I…know."

"Great in bed."

"Best I've ever had."

Bruce wasn't sure if she was teasing or complimenting him, but he kept going, redoubling his efforts to make her melt.

"I'm Batman."

"Uh huh, you're vengeance. You're the night. My Dark Knight."

From the way things were going, Bruce was sure Diana wasn't really going to hold him to that no sex before marriage thing. He began to move his hands to the back of her uniform.

"Uh uh uh, Bruce. Not until we are married."

Irritated beyond belief, Bruce practically yelled, "We're getting married tomorrow."

"Ok!" Diana turned her back to him, switched off the light, and happily called out, "Goodnight, Bruce." Then she quickly fell asleep.

Bruce wasn't so lucky. He didn't sleep a wink that night. But on a happier note, he was very clean. He must have taken at least two cold showers.

* * *

Just as Dick had suspected, Wally called him early in the morning. With his eyes closed and his face buried in his pillow, Dick reached for the phone. 

"So, is Poison Ivy single?"

Nightwing was so tempted to hang up the phone, but he knew Wally would just keep calling back, so he mumbled, "I didn't ask."

"What happened?"

"Nothing. The authorities took her to Arkham."

"Willingly?"

"Yes."

"Wow! I imagined you'd have to drag her there kicking and screaming."

"Harleen's not like that."

"WHOA! First,_ Harleen_? And second, 'she's not like that?' You were saying just last night that she was a crazy loon, and now all of sudden you've got her figured out?"

"Never mind. She's back in Arkham where she belongs."

"Do you like her now? I was just kidding last night about the whole Love Dove thing. What did she do to you?"

"Nothing." _She only promised to change her life for me and gave me the most mind-blowing kiss of my entire life._

"What?! You kissed Harley Quinn?"

Sitting up in bed, Dick closed his eyes and exhaled in frustration. He could have sworn he hadn't said that last part out loud.

"Dude, what was it like?

"I don't want to talk about it."

"If you think about it, in a round-about way, you've kissed the Joker."

"In that case, you've kissed all of Linda's ex-boyfriends."

Wally couldn't come up with a retort for that, so he went back to a more important topic.

"Really, what was it like?

"I broke her glasses."

Wally was getting excited, and Dick could tell by the way the Speedster's voice raised almost an octave. "Did she head butt you?"

"No…just, it was good, ok?"

"Apparently, glass-shatteringly good. Are you going to see her again?"

"No. Bruce will kill me if he found out."

"You should at least get her new glasses."

"I kind of like her, so seeing her again is out of the question."

"What is it with you bat-people and running away from the girls you like? Actually, it's just you. Word around the Watchtower is that Bats and Diana are getting married."

"Wally, if you are joking…"

"I'm not."

Dick sat there in stunned silence. Wally didn't notice.

"Come on, Dick. You only live once. And if you want to sneak around Bruce's back, now is the time to do it."

If he hadn't listened to Wally in the first place, Dick wouldn't be in the current predicament. He would have to thank his scarlet clad friend later.

"Wally, I need to go talk to Bruce."

"Well, if you don't want her, can I go after her?"

"You can try, but she's already in love with me. You'd have a better chance of dating Fire."

"Hey! If I wanted to date Fire, I would date Fire."

"Then what's stopping you? You've had a crush on her forever."

Sounding a bit miffed, Flash said, "It's complicated."

"Riiiight. I'll talk with you later. Bye."

* * *

Diana groaned as she turned onto her side in bed. She stretched out her arms, and when she didn't feel anyone in the bed beside her, she opened her eyes in surprise. Sure enough, Bruce was not next to her. Rubbing the sleep from her vision, she sat up quickly, wondering where he had gone off to. 

It wasn't far. He was sitting in the chair across from her bed, with an opened magazine resting in his lap. When he heard her stir, he looked over at her. "Did you miss me?"

"Hardly. But my feet are cold. Warm them for me?"

Bruce gave Diana an arch look as he stood up and walked over to her bed. "I'm going to be your husband, not your slave."

"That's what you think." She pulled on Bruce's arm so he was sitting beside her and gave him a contented smile. "Good morning, fiancé."

Diana propped herself up on her elbows and watched curiously as he stood up, and then sat back down at the end of the bed. Locating her feet in the tangled blankets, Bruce placed them in his lap and pulled the covers over them. Then he smiled back at her and then started reading again. Diana leaned back into her pillow and closed her eyes, quietly enjoying the warmth that was returning to her toes. After a few minutes she murmured, "What are you reading?"

"Nothing."

"No need to keep secrets anymore."

"Anything you want to tell me?"

She laughed and sat up in bed. "No." Crawling up behind him, she rested her chin on his shoulder. "So, how do we get married? I was thinking the quickest way would be to go down to a courthouse. I have a nice dress that I could wear, and I'm sure you have plenty of outfits to choose from."

"About that...I was thinking we should postpone the wedding."

"Oh. Why not today?"

"You can't just plan a wedding in a few hours. At least not a good one."

"You don't like my plans?"

"There is no way Bruce Wayne is getting married in a courthouse."

Diana was surprised by the amount of feeling in his voice. "Ok…where do you want to get married then?"

"I have St. Patrick's Cathedral booked for two weeks from now."

"Alright. What else needs to be done?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"Nothing."

Bruce must have thought that was a sufficient answer for Diana, but she didn't agree. "What do you mean nothing? This is my wedding too."

"Fine, what do you want?"

"Flowers."

"That's not ambiguous at all."

"I want red ones."

"That won't go with the bridesmaid dresses."

"Really? And what color would those be?"

"Navy blue."

"I guess that's ok."

"It's better than ok. Could you imagine what Barbara would look like in a red dress? It would clash with her hair."

"You picked out my bridesmaids for me?!"

"I haven't asked them yet."

"I don't even know who Barbara is."

"I'm sure you two will get along."

"Bruce, I think you are getting a little ahead of yourself. I am fine with blue dresses, but you do not get to pick out my attendants."

Bruce didn't say anything, but Diana could tell he was put out. She let out a little sigh and gave him a slight peck on his cheek. "You know you're a control freak, Bruce. I just thought we would be able to plan this together."

"Fine. Who do you want to be your bridesmaids?"

"Shayera."

"And?"

"There isn't anyone else."

"Well, there needs to be. I have five groomsmen: Clark, Dick, Lantern, J'onn, and Wally.

"I guess I could ask Black Canary. And Zatanna, Vixen, and Fire."

"I think I can make that work." Diana watched as the wheels turned in Bruce's head. "Too bad Zatanna isn't taller, but she'll just have to do. Things might get interesting at the reception, too. We will have to find a way to sit John, Mari, and Shayera so things don't get awkward."

Diana's eyes widened in surprise. This was a side of Bruce she had never seen before. "Bruce, you're scaring me."

"Why?"

"I've seen enough wedding specials to know that it's usually the woman who gets caught up in the planning."

"I thought you hated those stereotypes."

"I just don't like seeing you get so worked up over seating arrangements and what we will wear to the wedding. It makes me feel uncomfortable."

"But our wedding has to be perfect."

"It's just a ceremony."

"It's not just a ceremony, Diana. You couldn't possibly understand because you haven't grown up here, but a wedding is a huge deal."

Diana shook her head in disbelief, but gave in, since it seemed so important to him. With her chin still resting on his shoulder, she wrapped her arms around his chest. "Ok, Bruce. We'll do it your way. What am I going to wear?"

"During or after the wedding?" He smiled impishly up at her, and she was so very tempted to punch him.

Diana looked down into his lap and finally saw what he had been so engrossed in earlier: InStyle Celebrity Weddings. It took nearly all her willpower not to burst out into laughter. He thumbed through the pages of the magazine, stopping at what Diana assumed was her dress.

"It's a silk mousseline chiffon strapless gown with a sweetheart neckline by Monique Lhuillier. There will need to be some slight adjustments, but I think it will do the job."

"I like it."

"And what's more important, you'll look hot in it. Bruce Wayne's going to have the most beautiful wife in the world."

"Do you have to keep referring to yourself in the third person?"

He titled his head to the side as if in deep thought. Then he slowly nodded his head up and down a few times. "Yes, Bruce Wayne thinks so."

Diana pushed the magazine out of his lap. "Stop it!"

He turned around in Diana's arms and winked at her. "Bruce Wayne doesn't want to."

"Well, I guess I'll just have to make him."

They leaned in to kiss each other, but just then a knock came at the door.

A low growl rumbled in Bruce's throat, but he got up from the bed. Looking into the peephole, he saw that it was Dick.

He cracked the door open a little and said, "Can I help you?"

"I hear some congratulations are in order."

Bruce begrudgingly opened the door all the way and quickly shut it after Dick entered the room.

Dick saw Diana under the covers and swiftly averted his eyes.

"Don't worry, Dick. I'm fully clothed."

He still didn't remove his eyes from the floor.

"So you two are engaged?"

"Right."

"And when are you getting married?"

"Two weeks from now."

"That's fast."

"Certain... conditions necessitated that." Diana smirked at Bruce's way of referring to her sex embargo, but it was all lost on Dick because he still refused to look at either of them.

But he wasn't able to do that for long. Diana got out of the bed and walked over to Dick, giving him a tight hug.

"So, does this mean you're my mother?"

"I guess it does. And we have some more news." She looked over at Bruce, waiting for his lead.

"We're having a child."

"Ah, certain conditions, I get it now."

Even though Dick was wrong, neither Diana nor Bruce felt he needed further clarification.

Dick started edging over to the door, "Well, I just wanted to stop by and find out if the rumors were true."

"Wait." Bruce called out after Dick. "What happened with Harley Quinn and you last night?"

Nightwing stopped dead in his tracks, but tried to answer as nonchalantly as possible.

"Nothing."

"What do you mean 'nothing?' Didn't you find her?"

"Oh, yeah. I did, and she's back in Arkham."

"Good. Is she still in love with you?"

"As far as I know, yes."

"That's even better. I want you to get as much information out of her as possible concerning all of Joker's hideouts and plans. At least something good can come out of this. We'll shut him down permanently."

"I don't know if that's such a great idea."

"What's wrong with it?"

"It's just that…"

"I'm sure they'll let Inspector Grayson talk with her."

"But…"

"Oh, and just so you know, you're one of my groomsmen. The wedding rehearsal is on Friday at 5:00 p.m. and there's a dinner to follow. I'll give you your tux, and you can give me the report then. Bye."

Dick knew better than to argue. At least now he was being forced to see Harleen. As he walked out of the room, he overheard Diana say, "So my little wedding planner, where's our honeymoon?"

Bruce scoffed. "There's nothing lit-"

Having slammed the door behind him, Dick was fortunate enough not to hear the rest. But that didn't stop the shudder that coursed down his spine.

* * *

As he leaned against the wall to collect himself, a certain green-haired Brazilian passed by. Deciding to help or horribly embarrass Wally—Dick hadn't decided which he wanted to do more—he waved at Fire. 

"Ah. Hello, Nightwing."

"I know this seems weird, but what do you think of Flash?"

"Thee one in the red spandex?"

"Scarl—uh, yeah. Him."

"I think he is cute, though he does not speak to me."

"That's because he thinks you are angry with him."

"Oh! Why is that?"

"Because he's always staring at you. He's got this idea that you think he's a creep."

"No. I had no idea he was looking at me. Why are you telling me this?"

_Because it's Wally's fault that I like a lunatic. _

"No reason. I just wanted to clear the air. That's all. Well, it was good running into you, Fire. I'll see you later."

He began to walk away, but paused and said, "And another thing, Fire. If you see him today, make sure you say hi to him. It would give him the thrill of his life. And if he ignores you, don't worry. That just means he likes you."

Dick knew it was wrong to tell Fire that Wally had a crush on her, but either way the outcome benefited Dick. Either Fire and Wally would hit it off, and Flash would be indebted to Dick forever. Or Wally would be paid back for getting Dick in the current predicament that he was in. For Nightwing, it was a win-win situation.

Now all he had to do was go to Arkham Asylum. Dick let out a tired sigh. It was going to be a very long day.

* * *

Dick left Fire slightly confused. She did not understand the ways of men and women in this country. In Brazil, things were much more straightforward. For Flash to like her, but not say anything to her about it was…different. But Fire liked different. Nothing had happened between them after their slight flirtations at Black Hawk Island, and Fire decided it was time to take matters into her own hands. 

She went to the Monitor Room and asked the person on duty for Flash's location. Finding out that he was in the training room, she made her way there.

When she entered the room, all she saw was a scarlet blur flying about the room. She took a few steps in and was almost mowed down to the ground. Luckily for her, she just fell onto her backside, but it still hurt. "Ouch!"

"You need to be more careful," Wally grumbled to the intruder in annoyance as he continued speeding about the room, inflicting damage on all enemies in sight.

"I'm sorry."

Recognizing her Brazilian accent, Flash came to a total stop. Unfortunately, he didn't see the robot that was set on a collision course with him. Wally flew about ten feet across the room, temporarily knocked out by the blow he received to his head.

When he awoke, the beautiful face of Fire was looking down on him with concern, and her delicate fingers were lightly tapping at his face. As soon as his eyes fluttered opened, he was in the arms of the Brazilian. If he hadn't known better, he would have sworn he had died and awoken in the arms of a South American angel.

"Are you ok, Flash?"

He couldn't think of anything to say, so he started squirming around in her arms.

Having remembered what Dick had said to her, Fire brought her hand up to his head. "You were hit very hard. I should take a look at your face."

"Uh…no." Wally wanted to fall back into an unconscious state. The literally hottest woman in the Justice League was speaking to him, and he could barely form a sentence.

But Fire wasn't deterred. "I promise not to remove your mask all the way."

Wally managed to squeak out, "okay," as the green-eyed woman gingerly began peeling away the part of his mask near his injury.

She brought her face closer to his as she inspected the bruise that was beginning to form. "Oooh. That looks painful. I'm sorry." She pursed her lips together in sadness, and Wally felt his heart accelerate. His brain shut down, and all he could do was nod.

"I know how to make it better." Wally wasn't aware that Fire was a doctor or had healing powers, and while he thought about her qualifications to treat him, he was given the best medicine of all: a kiss from his practitioner.

When Wally's jaw went slack, Fire laughed. "You are very cute. Are you sure I cannot see the rest of your face?"

Wally gulped.

"On second thought, maybe I shouldn't. It makes it more mysterious, and I like that. Don't you?"

Flash just kept nodding his head.

"Since you are agreeing with everything I say, would you like to go to Brazil with me? They are celebrating Carnival, and I think we would have a good time."

Fire took his jaw softly in her hand and closed his gaping mouth. "I'll take that as a 'yes.' I would like to go tomorrow, if that is ok with you?"

When he, again, nodded his agreement Fire giggled. "I will need to teach you to do more than nod your head, no?" She licked her lower lip and heard Flash sigh. Giving him a quick peck on the lips, she repositioned his mask and stood up. She had already taken five steps when Flash was finally able to say. "Ok, Fire."

She turned around and smiled at him. "He speaks! And call me Beatriz." Then the Brazilian bombshell winked at him and slinked out of the training room.

Wally melted into a puddle on the floor. An hour later, after pulling himself together, he zoomed out the room. He needed to talk to Dick.

* * *

Dick nervously stood on the front steps of Arkham Asylum. He was ushered in by the same worker who had admitted Harleen yesterday. As they made their way down the halls to Miss Quinzel's room, the worker decided to make small talk with him. 

"So you know our Miss Quinzel?"

"Not really. I'm with the Bludhaven police force, and I needed to ask her some questions about her recent escapades with the Joker."

"He's sick, that one, he is. He was brought in last night too, and all he will talk about is a rat. At first we couldn't figure out what he was saying, but then one of the staff realized he was speaking in Pig-Latin."

"I'd like to say that comes as a shock, but with a madman like the Joker, it's not really surprising."

The worker nodded her head in agreement. "What I find interesting is the lady you are going to see."

"Why is that?"

"She seems relatively normal. She is so well behaved from the other times we've had the pleasure of her company. No more kicking and screaming or shrieking, though she is as talkative as ever. She has gone crazy—maybe that isn't the best word—for some superhero, and she won't stop talking about him. "

"Really?"

"It would be annoying if it weren't so cute. It seems she's taken a shine to Nightwing, and he's all she talks about." Imitating Harleen's voice, the older lady continued, "'When I get out of here, Nightwing and I are going to do this and that together.' Or, 'Just wait until my Nightwing hears how good I've been.' Poor girl. A man like him would never fall for a girl like her."

"You're probably right."

"It's really quite a shame. She used to work here as a psychiatrist, and every one always thought she was so high strung. Especially the men, but that is because she would always turn them down. We'd always joke that she needed to loosen up, because she was always so focused on her career. And then she came across the Joker." The lady shook her head sadly. "But maybe her new interest in Nightwing will help to straighten her out. I really hope so. She always seemed like a very nice girl." The lady stopped in front of a door with no windows. "Well, here we are, Inspector Grayson. Is an hour long enough?"

"That will be perfect."

"I'll make sure no one bothers you until then."

"Thank you, Mrs. …"

"Call me Ellen."

"Alright, Ellen. I'll see you in an hour."

Dick knocked on the door and was summoned with a cheery, "Come on in."

Once he shut the door and heard Ellen lock the door behind him, Dick turned around and looked at her room. It was nothing like he had expected. Most cells were sterile rooms--white walls with no decorations. This room was filled with flowers, books, and bright colors. From the look of things, Harleen's favorite color was yellow.

While he looked over her room, Harleen was bent over a plant, watering its soil. Once she was finished, she looked up at him. "You aren't Ellen."

"No, I'm not."

Harleen's eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Hey, aren't you one of the cops who brought me here last night?"

"Actually, yes, I am. You have a good eye."

Harleen gave him a closed mouth smile and continued watering her other plants.

Dick took a seat at a table that was covered with a white linen cloth. On top of the table was a tea service. He reached across to pick up the teapot, but stopped when Harleen said, "There isn't any tea in there. I'm not allowed to have anything that could start a fire. I just like the way it looks."

"Oh. Where did you get all this stuff?"

"It's my old stuff from when I worked her. Ellen keeps it for me for when I return. But the next time I leave, I won't be coming back."

Dick placed his hands in his lap and waited for Harleen to finish tending to her flowers.

Once done, Harleen joined him at the table. They sat there in silence for a couple of minutes before Dick finally cleared his throat and said, "Aren't you going to ask me who I am and why I'm here?"

"I hadn't really thought about it. I guess I should."

"I'm Inspector Dick Grayson, and I was hoping you would willingly give me information about your partner--"

"Former partner."

"Right…your former partner the Joker."

"I will tell you anything you want, but on one condition only."

"I don't really think you're in a position to bargain, Miss Quinzel."

"And I don't really think that you are a nice man, Dick."

"That's Inspector Grayson to you."

Harleen shrugged her shoulders in apathy, crossed her arms over her chest, and turned her head away in extreme boredom.

"Look, Miss Quinzel, you would be able to leave here sooner if you would cooperate with our investigation."

"I'm not doing anything unless you do something for me first."

Dick stood up and began walking towards the door.

"Well, aren't you even going to ask me what I want?"

"Fine, what do you want?"

"I will only help you if you tell Nightwing what I'm doing. He told me that if I was a good girl, he would come to see me." Harleen's eyes filled with tears and her lower lip trembled. "And I miss him."

His heart softening within him, Dick sat back down. Speaking in a gentler voice, he said, "That's seems entirely possible, Miss Quinzel. Nightwing and I know each other."

"Really?! Tell me what he's like."

"Well, I don't know much about him. But I've worked with him a few times on criminal cases."

"Oh." He could tell Harleen looked extremely disappointed, and for some reason, he didn't like that.

"But I'll make sure he knows about how you've helped us put an end to the Joker, Miss Quinzel."

"Any friend of Nightwing's can call me Harleen."

"Ok, Harleen, we only have about forty-five minutes before Ellen comes back, so let's try to get through this as quickly as possible."

But forty-five minutes wasn't enough. Dick would have to come back tomorrow, which, unsurprisingly, didn't bother him at all.

Once outside of the Asylum, Dick checked his cell phone, which had been vibrating throughout his interview with Harleen. "87 texts and 12 voice messages?" Opening the phone, he began to laugh. They were all from Wally.

As he climbed into his squad car, his phone rang again. "Did you have a good day?"

"Yes!"

"You can thank me later."

"What do you mean?"

"I kind of told her to go up to you and say hi."

"Well, she did much more than that."

"Such as?"

"She kissed me!"

"Did you manage to say anything?"

"Of course. You know me; I'm smooth like silk."

"Uh huh. So what about Linda?"

"Well, I have a date with her the day after tomorrow, so I'll be back from Rio in plenty of time to go out with her."

"Rio?"

"Yeah, Fire invited me to Carnival down there."

"Are you sure you can do this?

"I can easily make it down there and back. I'm the fastest man alive. "

"I don't think that's something you want to advertise too loudly."

"That's _real_ mature."

"I thought so. But seriously, do you really want to take on two women at once? Sounds like you are asking for trouble."

"Lighten up, Dick. I'm not seriously dating either of them. And it's not like either of them are going to find out."

"Famous last words."

"Well, I need to go. I have to get ready for my date with Beatriz."

Dick didn't really care for where this was headed, but he certainly had blackmail material, and because of that, a reason not to wear his Harley Quinn outfit on tonight's patrol. Things were looking up.

* * *

**To Be Continued**

* * *

To my anonymous reviewers... 

gigi-girl- I know you've been waiting for this one, and I hope you like it.

Miguel- Well, here you go! It has begun. And I have a feeling something catastrophic will eventually happen, but I think you will like the outcome of it all. Keep sending me your ideas! **:D**


	5. Is This Love That I'm Feeling?

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

I, Geeky, being of a sound mind, leave Kipples, my super beta, a pot of lip balm and a transformers USB drive. And an angry kitten capable of killing TB, sneakretively, of course. Yup!

Alright, this chapter is basically full of ideas that aren't my own. **:D**. At the end of the chapter, I will try to outline what idea came from whom. But special thanks to Hepburn and Miguel. For H- since you didn't like Rafa B., what about J. Mourinho? And for M-I think this time you shall have Alessandra Ambrosio.

I don't know how much longer I can sustain all this wackiness before it caves in over my head, if it hasn't already. Hope you guys enjoy it.

* * *

**Chapter Five:**

**Is This Love That I'm Feeling?**

* * *

Is this love that I'm feeling? 

Is this the love that I've been searching for?

Is this love or am I dreaming?

This must be love, 'cause it's really got a hold on me.

-Whitesnake

* * *

The next day, Inspector Grayson returned to Arkham. This time when he went into Harleen's cell, she was sitting at her table, scribbling furiously in a notebook. All around her were balled up scraps of paper. Apparently, she had been working on whatever she was writing for a long time. 

"Hey, Harleen."

Not looking up, she pushed a chair out from the table with her foot and called out, "Hey, Dick. Make yourself at home."

Sitting down next to her, he tried looking at what she was writing, but she kept moving, so that he couldn't see over her shoulder.

"What are you writing?"

"It's not ready!"

"Can I at least have a hint?"

"It's for Nightwing."

"Oh…I hate to say this Harleen, but are you sure that liking him is the smartest thing?"

Her pen stopped mid-sentence, and she looked up at him, her eyes blazing with fury.

Dick raised his hands defensively. "Alright, alright. Sorry I asked."

Five minutes later, Harleen slammed the pen down to the table. "All done!"

A little nervous, Dick timidly asked, "Do I even want to know what you wrote?"

"It's a love song."

Dick smirked and reached across the table for it, that is, until Harleen smacked his hand away. She grabbed the piece of paper and ran to the other side of the room. "No! This is for Nightwing's eyes only!"

Dick stood up and walked over to her. "If it's a song, how is he supposed to know what it sounds like?"

Harleen's hands dropped to her side, releasing the paper, which wafted over to Dick's feet. "I didn't think of that…I know! I can sing it to you, and then you can sing it to him."

She ran over to him, snatching the paper from his hand, which he had looked at long enough to know that the title of the song was **I Found Love on the NightWing of a Dove. **Grabbing his hand, Harlene pulled him over to her bed and had him sit on it.

Then she stood before him, cleared her throat about eight times, and opened her mouth. Dick was greeted with the most melodic and lovely singing voice he had ever heard. The lyrics were ridiculous and disgustingly sappy, and at first Dick was repulsed by their smarmy nature. But pretty soon he stopped listening to the words altogether. He watched as her mouth changed shape as she sang her tune. Her eyes conveyed so much emotion that at times, it looked as if she would start to cry. Throughout the song, she would beat her chest, in a style reminiscent of the same lady who sang the Titanic song. Dick didn't know her name, but he didn't really care. He was too busy admiring Harleen. He was still staring at her lips when she finished.

"AHEM!"

Dick shook his head to clear his thoughts and started clapping. "That was wonderful, Harleen. Where did you learn to sing like that?"

She dug her toe into the floor and started twisting it in embarrassment, refusing to make eye contact with Dick. "Oh, that. It was nothing."

"No really, Harleen. You have a beautiful voice."

"I majored in vocal performance in college but switched over to psychology because I thought I would make a better shrink than singer." She giggled a little sadly. "Guess I was wrong."

She sat down on the bed beside Dick. "Do you think he'll like it?"

"I'm sure he'll love it as much as I do."

"I really hope so, Dick." She let out a loud sigh, her shoulders rising and falling dramatically as she released her breath.

"That reminds me, Harleen. I spoke with Nightwing last night, and he wanted me to give you something."

The little songstress clapped her hands together, and her legs, which were dangling over the side of the bed, kicked up and down in excitement. "What is it? What is it?"

Dick fished out the gift from his jacket's inner pocket. Handing the present over to Harleen, she greedily took it and cooed over it. "I love them!" She placed the spectacles on her face and smiled up at Dick conspiratorially. "Don't tell him, but I don't really need glasses. I only wore them to look smart."

Dick grinned back at her. "I promise I won't let him know." Besides he had already discovered that from examining the broken lenses himself when he was looking for their replacements.

"Thanks, Dick. So what else do we need to go over?"

"If you could just tell me any more of Joker's hiding places or plans, that would be great."

Once that was out of the way, they had ten more minutes to kill before Ellen came back.

"So are you going to be here tomorrow?"

"I don't really have any reason to come back. I think I've got all the information I need."

"Oh." Harleen looked perplexed.

"Is something wrong?"

"I don't know." Harleen's eyebrows knit in confusion. "I want you to keep coming back. It gets a little lonely in here. Ellen's nice, but…"

Dick reached for her hand and took it in his own. "What about Nightwing?"

"I know I love him, but I think I like you too. Has anyone ever told you that you have really pretty eyes?"

He smiled at her. "All the time."

He leaned in to kiss her, but Harleen stood up with a shriek. "No, I can't do this! My heart belongs to Nightwing." Muttering more to herself than to him, she cried out miserably. "What will he think of me? He wants a good girl, and I'm being bad. Bad Harleen. Bad, bad, bad."

She was wringing her hands when Dick took them in his. "Harleen, it's ok. I won't tell him."

"Promise me."

"Harleen, I--"

"PROMISE ME!"

"Alright, I promise."

"Good!" She started laughing loudly. "That's a relief. I was this close to making a huge mistake."

The time was approaching for Ellen to return, and Dick began walking toward the door, filled with disappointment.

"Wait! Before you go, could you pass on a message to Nightwing for me?"

"Sure, let me just ge--" Dick didn't get to finish his sentence as she jumped on him, wrapping her legs around his waist, which caused him to slam into the door. Her mouth attacked him, and Dick had never been happier to play the victim.

A few seconds later, Dick felt the wall behind him begin to move. Ellen was trying to open the door, but their bodies were preventing her from doing so.

"Is everything alright in there, Inspector Grayson? I heard a loud thump on the wall, and I wanted to make sure that you're ok."

Dick could barely speak because of what Harleen was doing to his neck. His voice almost cracking, he managed to say, "Everything's fine in here, Ellen. Could you give us a few more minutes?"

"Only if Harleen is ok with that."

"Yes, Ellen, I'm fine. Now GO AWAY!"

"Alright dears, I'll be back in five."

He brought his hands up to her face and removed her glasses. Then he took down her hair, which she had been kept under wraps in a tight bun. He smiled as she shook her head from side to side, letting her golden tresses fall down her shoulders and back and over his hands, which were now wrapped around her. They slowly sank to the floor, where they continued their make-out session.

Three minutes later, Dick put a halt to their activities. "Ellen's going to be back soon." Sitting up, he tucked his shirt back in and tried to smooth out the wrinkles. Then he looked over at Harleen and reached out his hand to smooth her hair, which had seen better days. Then he smirked at Harleen. "I don't know if I'll be able to pass that message on to Nightwing. I refuse to make out with a guy."

Harleen grinned up at him. "I think Nightwing's already received the message."

Dick looked at her in confusion, pretending to be dumb. "How could he?"

Harleen quickly put her hair back in place and stuck the glasses back on. Looking every part the psychiatrist she condescendingly said, "Do I need to spell it out for you? You are Nightwing."

"Last time I checked, I was Dick Grayson."

"Oh, you're him too. I'm not stupid. And I was right. You do have blue eyes."

"Harleen, I'm afraid you've got this all wrong. I know you really like Nightwing, and you probably feel guilty for what we've done, but I'm not him. If you're really worried about it, I promise I won't tell him anything."

"Whatever, Dick! I know how you superheroes are about your secrets. But before you leave, though…" Harleen pushed Dick against the door and wrapped her arms around his neck. "…I have another message for Nightwing. I love you, and I will never ever ever tell anyone your secret." Then she gave him another kiss, which ended when Ellen knocked on the door. As Dick walked out of the room, Harleen called out, "Don't forget to tell him what I said."

Dick left Arkham Asylum completely elated. He had more than a crush on Harleen Quinzel. To him, she was postively adorable, and he really liked the whole psychiatrist look she had going on. She was slightly off, but, only a little. Unfortunately, it wouldn't do to have her thinking that Dick Grayson and Nightwing were the same person. If Bruce found out, he would be dead. It was time to call in a favor.

* * *

Wally arrived at Fire's quarters at the pre-arranged time. Before he could lift his hand to knock on the door, she opened it and pulled him in by his shirt. 

"Hello, Flash!"

She stared at him when he wouldn't say anything. "Do I need to give you something to loosen that tongue of yours?"

Flash's jaw dropped open, and he excitedly nodded his head up and down. He closed his eyes and waited for some of the medicine he had received yesterday.

His mouth started burning, and he wondered if this is what it would be like to play with Fire every single time. He wasn't sure he could handle it. The back of his throat itched, and he almost started coughing.

"You can open your eyes, silly man. It is only alcohol."

When he realized what was going in his mouth, Wally spit it out. "Blech. That tastes awful."

"Well, you are speaking now, are you not? Besides, you will be drinking a lot more very soon."

"…I don't know."

Fire looked perplexed and slightly disappointed. "I thought you were a party guy. Maybe you will not like Carnival."

Afraid that his date with Fire was about to end, Flash daringly boasted, "I'm not just a party guy; I am the party. Don't worry about me. The question is, can you keep up with the Flash?"

Fire dazzled him with a brilliant smile. "We shall see."

"So how are we getting there?"

"I do not know. Do you think it would be alright if we teleported there? Or would we get in trouble?"

"You're with me. As one of the _founding members_, I can do whatever I want. But I have another idea."

"Yes?"

"How do you feel about riding the Flash express?"

Fire jumped into his arms, indicating that it was perfectly fine with her. "Let's go!"

They zoomed out of the Metro Tower and within seconds they were in a secluded alley of Rio de Janiero. Flash set her down gently. Staring at her ridiculously good-looking face, he grew nervous again. He twiddled his thumbs together, and Fire caught on to his discomfort.

Taking his hands in hers, she looked up into his eyes and said, "You should not be nervous. I like you."

"It's just that… I really shouldn't be seen partying in public as the Flash. And, well, you look like a supermodel, and I…don't."

"You are worried I will not like the way you look?"

Instead of answering her, he looked down at the ground in embarrassment, which Fire found endearing. "I don't think you should be so worried."

"Well, you see, I have this--" Fire placed a finger on his lips.

"Shhhhh." She brought her hands up to his face and slowly removed the mask. First, she uncovered his nose. When that was finished, she kissed it and giggled. "Your freckles are wonderful." Then she pushed the covering up past his eyes and smiled at what she saw. "Your eyes are green like mine!" And finally she pulled the mask completely off. Wally grinned bashfully at her.

"Sorry, it's so disappointing."

Fire stared at him, blinking a few times.

Feeling horribly self-conscious, Wally began to pull his mask back on. "I know. I look like a dork. I'm guessing you want to go back now."

"Your hair? It's red!"

"Yeah. Sorry about that."

"Sorry?! Ever since I was a little girl I dreamed of having a man with red hair! I love it!" She buried her fingers in it and energetically brought his mouth down to hers. Wally felt her tongue trail across his lips, and he started laughing. "That tickles." Realizing what an idiot he was, he quickly apologized.

"Do you not like it?"

"No! I like it!"

"Good. Now you must be quiet." She shut him up by doing the same thing again, occasionally sucking or biting on his lower lip. As Wally enjoyed her ministrations, he began to feel a little flushed. Not wanting Fire to know that he was starting to feel uncomfortable, he discreetly pulled at his collar, hoping to let some air into his suit.

It was only a temporary solution. Eventually, a droplet of sweat entered his eye, and it stung so badly, but he refused to stop. He didn't care if he was dying; he was not going to be the one who ended this kiss. Wally was on the verge of passing out, when Fire finally removed her mouth from his. As both of them desperately tried to pull oxygen into their lungs, they stared into one another's eyes. Wally grinned shyly at her and said, "Is it getting hot in here, or is it just me?"

Keeping one hand around his neck, Fire began fanning herself with the other one. "No, it is me too." His eyes dropped down to her body, and they widened in fear. "You're…buring." Fire looked down, just as surprised as him to see her body engulfed in green flames. "So I am." She shrugged her shoulders at him, clearly unbothered by the event. "Oops."

Wally couldn't tear his eyes away from her body. He had never been this close to an inferno before, and it was kind of frightening. But then he slowly realized that he wasn't burning. It was hot, but he attributed that to Beatriz's kisses than to the actual flames that were covering her body. And the location of the tiny green fires did not help matters either. Realizing how rude he was being, and not wanting to be thought of as a pervert, he brought his eyes back to her. He was relieved to see that she was still smiling. "You are liking what you see, no?"

"Uh, yeah!"

"I am too." She help up her hand, and the Speedster tentatively placed his against hers, so that they were palm to palm. He watched in amazement as little green flames began to wrap around his fingers. Fire laughed. "They like you." Both Flash and Fire continued watching as the green lights danced along their fingers. "Flash?"

"Yes, Beatriz?"

"I have seen your face; will you not tell me your name?"

Flash didn't hesitate to answer. "My name is Wallace, but I go by Wally."

"Wah-leeee." He watched as she tried to say his name correctly, the sounds sweetly rolling off her tongue. Once she felt comfortable with her pronunciation, she said, "Wally, do you think…"

"What?"

She took his other hand in hers and saw the same phenomenon repeat itself. Grinning seductively at Flash, she pressed the rest of her body against him, and pretty soon, they both were encapsulated in green light.

This time, it was Wally that began kissing her.

* * *

Diana had convinced Bruce that he needed to let her have more involvement in their wedding, and so she was sitting with him in his study, awaiting the arrival of the wedding planner. 

"What did you say her name is?"

"Mrs. Stewart."

"What's her first name?"

"It doesn't matter. We can never refer to her as that, unless she gives us permission."

"Doesn't that seem a little odd to you, Bruce? Are you sure this is a good idea?"

"Look, you're the one who wanted to be more involved, and now you are already questioning me."

"Sorry. It just seemed a little strange. And you know what else is strange, your behavior. Ever since you started planning this wedding, you've been a little off."

"Hmmm. I wonder why that is. Maybe it's the fact that my already knocked up fiancé won't let me sleep with her. That's just a guess, though. I could be wrong."

"There's no need for sarcasm."

"Well, unless you're going to sleep with me, don't complain if I get too involved with the wedding planning. I have to work out my frustration somehow."

"Is it really that bad?"

Bruce looked at her and raised an eyebrow. "What do you think?"

Taking pity on him, Diana walked over to Bruce and sat down on his lap. "I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do to make it better?"

"No. Actually, you're making it worse."

"Poor Bruce." But Diana wasn't feeling sympathetic at all. She was determined to make things as difficult as possible for him.

They were interrupted by someone behind them clearing their throat.

But Diana and Bruce didn't hear it, or if they had, they were ignoring it.

"Is it customary for him to always have a woman attached to his face?"

"I wish I could say no, Mrs. Stewart, but unfortunately, this is nothing new."

"Oh, no need for formalities, Alfred. Please, call me Martha. Now how do we put out this fire?"

"Very easily, ma'am." The faithful butler walked over to his master and tapped him on the shoulder. They both looked over at him guiltily, before Diana slid off Bruce's lap.

Both of them stood at attention as they were sized up by the doyen of event planning.

She circled around them, examining them from all angles. After about the fifth time she had walked around them, Diana started losing her patience.

"Hi, Mrs. Stewart."

The lady kept on walking as if Diana hadn't said a word.

Diana was about to open her mouth to speak, when out of the corner of her eye, she saw Bruce glaring daggers at her. He silently mouthed, "No."

Finally, Martha Stewart spoke. "While I don't normally take on weddings that are less than two weeks away, I will make an exception for you, Mr. Wayne. But only on one condition."

"Name it."

"I want Alfred to work with me as my assistant."

"Done."

Martha walked forward, took his hand, and gave it a firm and commanding shake. "Well, then, we have a deal. I suggest we get you and your lovely fiancé fitted for your wedding clothes."

"Naturally."

"Have you decided which colors you want to use for the bridesmaids and groomsmen?"

Diana piped up, "Bruce and I had discussed red."

Martha laughed. "Red? No, that telegraphs the wrong message; it's common, a color for whores. I think you should go with various shades of blue. And maybe some gray."

Bruce looked over at Diana. If it weren't for the present company, he knew she would have smashed the triumphant look that was on his face.

"I agree, Mrs. Stewart."

"Mr. Wayne, feel free to call me Martha."

Diana took a step toward her. "Martha, ar--" Diana was stopped by the cold look the matronly maven was giving her. "Mrs. Stewart, are you sure there is no way we could incorporate red into the wedding. It's part of my uniform, and--"

"This isn't just about you, Wonder Woman. A wedding ceremony is about the joining of two individuals into one. You can't become one if you are only concerned about your _selfish_ wants and desires."

Diana bit her lip to keep from saying things she was sure would get her in trouble.

"Here are lists of things you must do to prepare for the wedding." As they scanned their chores, Mrs. Stewart made her way to the door. "I will see you tomorrow. The lists better be completed by then." She clapped her hands twice, then said, "Alfred, come with me."

Truth be told, the old man was excited to pit his talents against the world's greatest homemaker. Lately his job had become a bore. Everything was rote, and there were no new challenges for him. Then all of a sudden, his ward was getting married, there was a baby on the way, and he was getting to work side by side with Martha Stewart. With an imperceptible spring in his step, he dutifully followed her out of the room.

Bruce and Diana were left alone. Wanting to pick up where they had left off, Bruce pulled her over to one of the couches. But Diana was _not_ in the mood.

"I hate her."

"Don't be such a child, Diana."

"What?! She won't even let me call her Martha. I think she hates other females, and she is threatened by me."

"Can you blame her? You're the most beautiful woman in the world." Bruce leaned in to kiss her, but Diana put her hand up to his mouth.

"No. That only works once a month, and you've already reached your quota. I don't need you to suck up to me; I need you to stick up for me. I can't believe you didn't say anything! She practically called me a whore!"

"Diana, you're overreacting. It's only two weeks. We'll get through this. Now let me see your list."

Diana handed the piece of paper over to him. His eyes widened as he read it. "She sure has you doing a lot of stuff."

Bruce tried to stuff his list in his pocket, but Diana quickly grabbed at it. As she read his, she began to seethe. "How come mine is five times longer than yours? How can she expect me to…" Her mind overloading with anger, Diana was no longer able to form coherent sentences, so she let out a blood-curdling scream.

Bruce drew her to him and began tracing light circles on her back as she sobbed on his shoulder.

"Diana, everything is going to be ok."

"No it's not." Sniffle. "She wants me to…"—hiccup—"to get a bikini wax." SOB. "Have you ever had one of those?"

"Um…no, but you're the strongest person I know. I'm sure you'll be able to get through it."

"I'm scared, Bruce."

"Look, if it bothers you that much, don't get one. It's not like you need it."

"But what if she finds out?"

"Then we'll deal with it. Together."

"Bruce, you're such a good fiancé."

"I know."

"I promise I'll make it up to you."

"I know that too. Now let's go to work on our lists. I have a tux fitting to go to. Would you like to come with me?"

"I probably shouldn't. I have to get my hair cut."

"Just make sure it's not too short. I like you with long hair."

"Even if I wanted to defy you, you have no need to worry. I'm only_ allowed_ to get a one inch trim." Diana began to murmur Themysciran curse words under her breath.

"Will it make you feel better if I let you tell her that she's fired and can't plan our child's baby shower?"

"Yes!"

"Ok. Just try not to kill her in the meantime, and don't tell her until the end of the wedding reception."

Diana let out a sigh. "Alright."

* * *

"Flash...Wally! It is time to go to Carnival." The Speedster looked up at Beatriz, completely lost in a daze. 

"Why?"

"We are here to celebrate, and in this alley, we will miss everything."

"I'm feeling plenty festive right here."

"You will enjoy it. I promise."

Begrudginly, Flash let go of his Brazilian companion. "I wasn't really planning ahead when we came down here. I don't have anything to wear."

"It doesn't matter. That is why Carnival is spectacular. You can be the Flash, and no one will think it is you. Everybody is wearing masks too."

"Who are you going as?"

"Wonder Woman. Now turn around. I need to change. And no peeking."

Ever the gentleman, Flash did as he was told.

"I am alright now. You can look at me."

When he saw her, his eyes nearly bugged out of his head. She was dressed in the red, white, and blue of Diana's uniform, but instead of the warrior's typical outfit, Fire was wearing what looked like a bikini made out of a United States flag.

He let out of a low whistle and whispered, "God bless America."

She pulled his mask over his face. Then, grabbing his hand, she pulled him out into the streets. "Let's go!"

* * *

** To Be Continued**

* * *

**To my anonymous reviewers!**

**E-** I'm glad you are enjoying the song titles. I've kind of keep flopping back between classic rock and the hair bands of the 80s. I was so tempted to use Journey's Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin', but Whitesnake's Is This Love was too good to pass up. **:D **I'm glad you like these chapters. I am having difficulty keeping it ridiculous enough, though. It keeps flip flopping between real sentiment and goofiness. It's hard to sustain all the dorkiness, though I'm trying to shift it back in that direction.

**Miguel**- Thanks for letting me use your ideas! The least I could do is give you a mention. **:D** Hopefully, you will like this next supermodel just as much. I have another one in mind, though I think I'll need to come up with another one, because I think I have two more chapters left in this story. I'll be wracking my brains. If you don't mind, though, I'll take the Brazilian samba style futbol over the supermodels. **:D **Though I do have my very own Portuguese , soccer playing crush. Go, C.Ro! And as for what will happen with Fire and Linda...all I can say is that Wally will be in a very uncomfortable situation. But that's what he gets. Hell hath no fury, blah blah blah.

* * *

Hepburn- Harley singing Nightwing a song, and the title of the song. Flash and Fire partying at Carnival. And, of course, Martha Stewart. 

Miguel- Basically, everything with Flash and Fire, excluding the location of their activities.

Thanks for your ideas, and I'll be using more of yours and Kipling-Nori's in the next chapter.


End file.
